A tribute to Shirley Marchese

Yesterday we laid our angel down to rest and said our final goodbye.

I first met her when I was nine and my mom, little brother and I moved to Edmonton after fleeing a bad situation. We moved into a neighborhood near the stadium where we gained her as a neighbor. We bonded immediately when she threw us some carrots and potatoes over the fence from her garden. She was a retired nurse and lived with her husband Oreste. She always had a menthol cigarette in her mouth, was always talking on the phone and her tv was on extra loud ALL day long. Her best friend was her bird, Birdie. She loved Jesus and had pictures of him everywhere in her house along with a door stopper holding open every door in the form of a pig or dog which now holds opens the doors of my mom, brother and I.

She was strong, overly independent, never asked for help and she was as resilient as concrete. Somehow, she balanced that part well with her gentleness and kind spirit.

Shirley was a very memorable character. So much so, that I don’t think people always believed the stories I told about her most of the time.

Shirley Marchese was many things, but of most all she was the most caring & thoughtful person I’ve ever met in my life.

Week after week as if she’d forget, she’d call mom and make sure she remembered to watch the voice or American Idol at 9:00pm and cue you in on what channel to turn to. 4 hours later you were lucky if you’d get a word in edgewise but upon hanging up she’d sweetly say “angels on your pillow”.

She would always ask you whether or not you ate lunch, if you have been eating enough meat or getting enough iron. A simple yes never sufficed, she wanted to know what exactly you ate.

She always talked at my little brother in awe of how handsome he was, instead of having a real conversation.She was always trying to convince him to join the military and didn’t understand why on earth he didn’t want to do that.

She never wanted to talk about herself but always cared about how your job was going, got overly concerned with your hair color and split ends, and asked too much how your romantic life was doing. Her most favorite remark to no avail was “so when are you going to get pregnant and have a baby?” and every time like a broken record I would say “when I’m ready”. And she then she would reply with “there is no right time to have a baby and making the baby is the fun part don’t ya know?” and from there she would traumatize you with her expert sex tips.

Shirley loved her Avon. She would find a piece of jewelry in her Avon catalog that she thought you might like and give it to you on a monthly basis until eventually your jewelry box would be overflowing.

Shirley was always watching and guiding us all and was the neighborhood Mom to quite literally everyone.

She was always making sure people had food.
She taught the neighborhood people about gardening. “Potatoes like sand” and always shared her extra veggies and pickled goods. Her beets were the best and spaghetti was delish, her secret ingredient was cinnamon.

If a neighborhood adult needed money or cigarettes I remember she would be the first to offer them a job around the yard and if they didn’t have a car she would drive them to get their groceries.

Shirley had an extraordinary video collection, therefore was the neighborhood video rental store and of course, she always made sure you’d sign it out and that it would find its way back to its bunk within 3-4 days.

She always wanted to be updated on all the neighbors lives. She told people what to do and got all up in their grillz. One time she walked straight into our house, asked where Mom was and we pointed to the bath. She marched right in there, flopped down the toilet seat and welcomed herself to a nice little chit chat. My mom, was wide eyed as to be expected… and Shirley said “oh be quiet, I was a nurse… as if I’ve never seen a damn boob before? Come on!” And proceeded with her chat.

See, you can’t help but love her.

We didn’t have grandparents around so when my brother and I were out of school for the summer she claimed herself as Grandma. Because she thought people needed to eat 24/7, she stuffed us full with cake, arrowroot cookies and ginger ale. She took us for happy meals at McDonalds with what little pension money she had and would bring me to Zellers at Kingsway and dress me. She always was concerned about having nice hands and nails so I got lucky when she often took me on girls dates and got matching manicures.

She had confidence much larger than one would expect and even if she was looking like hell towards the end of her battle, you could tell her that she was beautiful, she would really believe you and happily accept your compliment and absorb it as if she were a Queen ❤

Even though she was old, she truly had the most impressive & sharpest memory of ANYONE I’ve ever known and could clearly recount stories long forgotten by me, from our childhood.

She’s been living at Norwood Capital care for the last two years. She broke her arm, broke her hip, got her leg amputated, and got breast cancer in such a short amount of time. But she never complained and was always positive about bad situations and lectured you to do the same.
She was great until November when had a scare, she stopped breathing in her sleep for 30 minutes and was in the ICU for a few days.

With her stubbornness, in December she recovered, but she was definitely showing signs of being ready to depart. She starting seeing things and spoke about her deceased husband and daughter as if the time line had reversed to when they were both alive 15 some years ago. She truly believed they were alive. I believe she was communicating with their spirit to prepare herself to go. I appreciated the warning to start saying goodbyes.

At this time, she said she’d been having real weird near death experiences, floating around and it seemed similar dying but more of a premonition of what was to come. I wanted to hear more so she explained and was shocked we believed her (but I’ve been fascinated and studying this subject for years). She said she was in and out. “Wondering like is this right now or do I have to wait another year or so?” She said “it’s like a slow moving night train. You don’t know when it will arrive to pick you up for good but you know it’s coming”.

When asked how she felt about that she said: “I am ready to go. I believe in God & the Angels and I know I am going to heaven but I don’t want to die quite yet because there’s lots I haven’t done. I’ve got lots of loose ends left ya know? I have people to say goodbye to people that I haven’t yet, but I don’t think I have time for all of them. Just remember when I die that I want you to be happy so don’t cry for me Argentina. I don’t want you to be sad, but If you cry that’s your business because I know you’re going to miss me so much. I hope your going to emanate some of the things I like and you will say, “it’s just like Aunty Shirley”. And also I hope whatever I’ve done and said has made a difference in your lives. Oh and wait, there’s something else I was hoping to do before I go…I’d also still like rob a bank and live high the hog for a while and eat lots of steak and lobster! Oh and for my funeral I would like to be buried in a cadillac.

Leave it up to her to be funny when talking about something so somber. She always had a way of making you laugh your ass off at the most unexpected comments that you’d never expect out of the mouth of an 82 year old. Besides her faith, there was nothing traditional about her. She did swear but also said “swearing too much is bad.I can only take a small diet of swear words”.

She was SO incredibly funny, witty, and sharp tongued. She was overly honest about whatever was on her mind, she said it how it was and totally was inappropriate all the time. And that’s what I admired the most.

If you asked her what’s new? She’d reply with: “what’s new? New York! New Jersey!”

She mentioned back in November as if she had a chance, of course I have a crush on Dr. Morsey – he’s like a Persian cat with the most beautiful eyes, but I hear he’s married so I guess I’ll be nice and won’t go after him! I laughed and said you’re funny and she said “I know. I trained as comedian for years and I just think now I’m about to make it”

Instead of straight up asking for something she would say “I sure am craving some double butter caramel popcorn from Kernels.” “I sure wouldn’t mind some veggies & ranch” and “I sure have a hankering for chocolate”. I happily obliged to her hints and continued to even when she was an ass. One time I brought her a pie and she said “that pie was no good”. Shirley had no filter. She was old and she didn’t give a shit if you didn’t like her ways. Instead of being insulted she always made me laugh my ass off. This woman was 100% herself, and I accepted her 100% for who she was and loved her unconditionally even though she had a way of pushing people away.

She always had a tough life, she grew up in an orphanage and was raised by nuns. She outlived both of her husbands and 1 daughter. She had no family around. Her niece came once that I know of and her son never bothered.

I could tell her anything of my struggles and she would just listen and give great advice. I always felt safe with her because she understood my tendencies and I saw my own self inside of her. I understood 100% why she was the way she was, the way she pushed people away and was uncomfortable with vulnerability and it helped me to understand those hard parts of myself. Spending a lot of time with her over the last two years helped us help each other.

She was tired of her battle towards the end and was looking forward to being free again and getting out of the bed for good.

With both our strong belief in the afterlife and that our loved ones are always with us, I asked her what sign she would give me that she was around. She told me, oh you know… I’ll surprise you and scare the crap out of you…. You’ll know its me.

When I told her I would cry when she was gone she said “Well what the hell you wanna cry for me for? You’ll miss what it was. Once I become a puff of smoke you won’t remember me. We say we will remember people when they’re gone but we don’t.”

I promised her that would never happen.

This comment bothered me so much that here I am today sitting here, writing about her to people who were strangers to her because the sad thing is, there were under 15 people at her funeral and they were all from our neighborhood growing up. There was not an ounce of family to be found. There was not even an obituary for her in the paper. It breaks my heart that not many people got to love her or be loved by her. So here I sit trying to spread her memory so that it can be carried on because that’s what she would want. That’s what she deserves. As long as one or two people got to know her today by reading this or she made a person laugh today, I’ve done what I set out to do.

She sure made a difference in my life and it was my pleasure to know her. I’m not looking for sorries or condolences because I am not sorry. She is happy and peaceful now. And I was privileged to be part of her life.

She would want to tell everyone not to take life so damn seriously and learn to laugh a little.

May Rest In Peace you crazy, beautiful and wonderful woman.


When life slaps you upside the head, its time to make a change

As a child you could not hide your secrets from me. Some adults were open, nurturing and receptive to me and some forced me to stay quiet, close my throat chakra and not allow me to be who I was or express any opinion or emotion. I always had the gift and innate ability to see struggles and where people were stuck and what they needed to change. I knew with 100% accuracy if they were lying or telling the truth, if they were authentic, if they were a good or bad person (came from the light or darkness), what needed to be healed inside them and if their emotions were matching their body language – but given my innocence it was not very often that people would listen to advice coming from a child who (at their level of awareness and perception) – had no life experience.

Fast forward and here I am stomping on all of that, allowing myself to re-emerge from the dust, knowing that this is part of my purpose. It is clear that since I opened the yoga studio, my abilities have grown exponentially. Through the course of 14 months,  this meant becoming hyper aware of what is going on with all of our brothers and sisters of the planet. You start to see patterns. You start to realize that you hold the torch to end some of the suffering of others and you would be doing a disservice if you did not share the messages you receive.


The full moon is here… Libra season begins and hello equinox. There is perfect contrast right now with equal light + equal darkness which equals = balance.

This balance may take some getting used to. There is a lot of tension running side by side with motivation which means you are contrasted many times throughout the day. This can be a little strange at first as you experience many polar opposites within only 24 short hours at a time. Examples of polarities that may be coming up for you are: sick/healthy, fear/safety, sorrow/joy, wealth/poverty, failure/success etc. You may experience one theme or several at once and it can be dramatic and confusing when facing two ends of a spectrum in one day. Be gentle with yourself during this time of integration.

You may think shit is hitting the fan for you, but it’s really an illusion. Behind the scenes, it’s actually falling together. But first, it is asking you to go where you’ve never really been in order to create a beautiful new chapter for your life. You have to put in the physical effort. You have to work on yourself and stay positive. Don’t give up.

Here are some things that are coming up as a collective that we must look at:

Healing your buried emotions:
Energy is really increased right now and there are a lot of symptoms arising. This means our emotions are running at an all time high. We are being called into the depths of our murkiest emotions that we weren’t even aware were there. You might find yourself crying more this week than you have all year. Whatever you are holding onto, the universe is forcing you to let go of it. Note that: feelings buried alive never die. This should be motivation enough.  Crying is healthy on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level. To help sort through what’s happening, put your thoughts and feelings to words by journaling. Sit in your shit. It is uncomfortable and scary, but you need to dive into the nasty memories and emotions that come up. Face the beasts and let them teach you where to go. If you can be brave and vulnerable and sit through this pain right now, know you will be rewarded because once you face the painful things, they can no longer hold control over you anymore and you become free as they are released once and for all. If you don’t deal with it, best case scenario = you will only be perpetuating a pain cycle where these unresolved emotions will continue to play out in your life and create more of what you don’t want. Worst case scenario = emotions like anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, sadness, resentment, jealousy, depression, and stress can manifest within the body and contribute to imbalance and disease such as cancer. So LET IT ALL GO. Let yourself be vulnerable and cry like a big old baby.  When you cry, not only do you feel relief, but each tear lets go of so much of the pain, sadness, hurt and trauma from the past that you have been holding in your heart for years.  This allows you to heal because it cleanses your energy and releases whatever is weighing you down. Your future is determined by your willingness to let go. Until you let go, there’s no space to write the next chapter of your life.

Past memories and old habits and cycles are bubbling to the surface:
You may have also noticed old patterns that have been coming up. You are growing out of an old phase in your life, so the old comfortable stuff that doesn’t fit who you are becoming is starting to come up so that you can start to look at it in a new light and see it for what it is and let it go. When looking at the past, old grudges, unfinished business, unforgiveness and your own doubts and insecurities from your childhood will start to bubble up to the surface. Let them. Write letters to those who wronged you and burn them. See you parents for who they were: humans that were doing the best they could with the awareness they had. Look back in time and try to deconstruct what they were taught by their life, society and their parents and why they behaved like they did. In this process,  It’s easier to see the wounds that cause people to act as they do. Soften your hard edges and find forgiveness where there was resentment before. Forgiveness is liberating. Elevate, heal, clear. Stop being afraid to move on. Close that chapter of hurt and never re-read it again. Move on from the things that don’t deserve you.

Your old ways of being are only creating pain for yourself. When we chose to hold on instead of letting go, we just continue with same sabotaging cycles. It is all an illusion that stems from fear. You need to look at it like you have several pairs of sunglasses and the ones you have been wearing were worn, dark and smudgey. So can you put on the new clear lenses with less hurt and start to look out into the world with a new, different and better lense?

Relationships are ending:
This can be friendships, romantic relationships, business relationships or family ties – they may end naturally or by way of a fight – but DON’T PANIC. These are blessings in disguise. Let them leave. The dynamics/energy/vibrations of the people and relationships that are ending, no longer fit who you are or who you are becoming.This means you are growing and growing only hurts temporarily.

There are 3 reasons people come into our lives:
1. For a reason;
2. For a season; and
3. For a lifetime.

So stop forcing or resisting and surrender. Come to terms with where these people fit on this scale. When we start to change and grow, we naturally repel others who are not on the same vibrational level as us or we ourselves will start to feel that old friends and activities no longer serve who we are. Stop lowering your standards to fit in because you are not meant to fit in. You aren’t going to appeal to everyone and that’s okay. Don’t shrink and play small to make others feel comfortable. Honor yourself. Why would you want to be someone you are not? Your uniqueness is what makes you special. The truth is that you might just repel them and they will leave your life. But the great news is that this creates new energetic space for better and new people to enter into your life who are a better vibrational match. When these people arrive you will know why it never worked out with the others. The harmony will be completely evident. You will have more in common. There will be more respect.These people will feel good.  Relationships will be easy joyful, comfortable and easy to trust. So, do find people who like you for exactly who you are, who inspire you and who encourage you to keep on growing. Your mantra right now should be “out with the old and in with new”.

Boundaries are how you allow people to speak to you, the things they demand from you physically & emotionally, your energy field and physically space around you. You’ve probably been put into situations the past few weeks where someone has crossed the line and you’ve needed to stand up for yourself; speak your voice where you might not have had the courage to in the past; or create some physical boundaries for yourself. This can be uncomfortable. But this is happening to show you your weak spots so that you can identify what needs improvement. You can start to set up healthy boundaries in your life. Act on the opportunities and get used to speaking out. Boundaries are a form of self care and when boundaries are placed with love, firmness and kindness, it allows your to stand true in your power. This is you loving yourself.

Some people won’t like this new you. People who need to be in control, or have a lack of respect and or no boundaries themselves may put up a fuss. Often times they aren’t even aware of their actions and they are not intentionally trying to upset you, so accept them for who they are and that their behavior is their own issue.  However, if people don’t like when you use the word “no” or when you’ve put up healthy and loving boundaries for yourself, then you shouldn’t be surrounding yourself with them anyway. Say no with conviction.

“Lovingly let go of your people pleasing tendencies, pleasing others in the hope of them loving you in return is not true to you or them; be true to you.  Love yourself unconditionally and you will attract people who love and respect you for the amazing person you are.” Lee Horbachewski

What do you believe about yourself?
When reflecting on the past it is normal for you to notice belief systems that were operating in your brain computer system that you weren’t even aware were there.

There are many lies we believe that others say or we have let ourselves feel and believe. So who or what made you believe you weren’t beautiful?  that your body wasn’t the right shape? that you are a worthless person? a terrible person? not smart enough? not good enough? not loveable? that you don’t deserve happiness? that true love doesn’t exist? that you need to suffer in poverty? that you’re stupid?  that no one cares? that no one likes you? everyone abandons you? that life is mean? that you’re a laughing stock? That you’ll never make ends meet?

Don’t be so hard on yourself. No body is perfect and that’s what makes us all beautifully unique. You are not your past, you are not what you are born into, you are not your body, you are not your baggage.

It’s important to find the root of these belief systems, where they originated and with whom.  Unfortunately, when you were young, you did not have the luxury of making your own beliefs so many of your early beliefs are second hand information which was passed on to you. See how you have been playing these beliefs out into your adulthood and continuing to attract the same circumstances and people that re-affirm those old beliefs to you… this comes out a lot in the form of ”I knew that would happen”. Well, if you believe there are no good men/women left it the world, then your life will continue to reflect that.

Ask yourself, are your beliefs helping and supporting you to achieve your goals, become the best you and create the life that you want? Or are they limiting, outdated and unhelpful. Realize that maybe they served you back then but now it’s time to let them go. Focus on re-inventing yourself and create newer healthier beliefs. This will give you the opportunity to rewrite your story so that you stop playing that old record in the background all the time.

Change your negative beliefs around and use positive questions instead: “What if I succeed? What if I can help others? What if I can be or have anything I ever wanted?”

It’s time to make a change:
If shit is hitting the fan for you, know that this is the universe’s favorite way of pushing us. Life is forcing you to change whether you like it or not. Chances are you’ve probably seen this coming to some degree. The universe probably warned you many times but you didn’t believe in yourself, you didn’t make changes, were too naive or disorganized, did not slow down enough to listen to the signs and signals nor did you follow up with enough action. When we procrastinate or don’t live up to our highest potential because of fear – the universe blows up what I like to call “a giant volcano in your face”. Why? Because we wouldn’t listen otherwise. The reality is that we only start to make things happen for ourselves when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change. It is usually only when were forced that we finally decide to take the plunge and jump off the edge. Without the universe being mean sometimes, we would procrastinate for years before really listening to the guidance and stepping full force into action and start living our highest calling. You will only thrive if you make steps towards real and lasting change. There is going to be a lot to do, so just remember balance.

Your life purpose :
It’s asking you to go where you’ve never been. What would it take for you to not be afraid to go after your best self and best life? Most of us bargain with the universe and say things to ourselves like “I will do it once I have the money. I will do it when my kids are grown up. I will do it once I lose the weight.” NEWS FLASH: The universe does not respond to bargaining because bargaining is a form of control. By putting conditions on something you are telling the universe or god that you do not trust their divine order and that you do not trust yourself. The reality is there is never a right time. The time is now. The irony is that the universe/god won’t reward us for what we’ve been trying to manifest until we surrender and do things their way. It knows the way. You can’t ask for the universe/god/divine/spirit/angels for things you want and then when you don’t like the way it’s being orchestrated you put up a hissy fit and don’t listen to the guidance. Trust that they know what’s best. Trust that everything is in divine order always. If you they brought you to it, they will bring you through it. You are never given more than you can handle. You are in the right place, right time, right circumstances for your growth.

When things are not the way you want them to be. Start to participate in their own unfolding. Cultivate what you want. Know that you deserve it and the universe will serve it! Surrender being “realistic” and practice that the sky’s the limit when trying to go after what you want.

Be free to be who you truly are:
You came here with something to do. You were on a mission before birth but for some reason you got lost in the earthly ways of fear and ego tendencies. Remember your true essence and carry out your mission. Have you been being your authentic self? Is the real you in there somewhere trying to emerge and you are absolutely terrified of it? It’s time to show who you are to others. We all have a gift and an ability. By not honoring it we are not respecting ourselves. We are also doing a disservice to the planet. Think about this for perspective: if people like Oprah, Mother Theresa and Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Tony Robbins, Steve Jobs, (or any of your favorite leaders, artists or inventors) woke up every morning thinking to themselves “I am afraid what people think, I don’t know if I can do it, who am I to _____, I don’t know if I am worthy” then they would not be successful nor in the public eye and WE would not be blessed by their offerings. They would be doing a complete freaking disservice to the world by not shining their light and being exactly who they are. So the lesson here is be who you are regardless of what others may think. Help who you are meant to help and nevermind the opinion of the rest. They are not you and they do not need to understand. It is your life, not theirs. Follow your bliss.

Reveal yourself to you and to others. Ask “how can I be of assistance to as many people as I can”. Once you start to move in the direction you think will make you happy, you will become much more in alignment and it is there that you will find your inner peace. BE BRAVE. Release all of those thoughts about being unworthy.

Get in touch with your higher self.
You are the only one who knows the answers and solutions to the problems you are facing.  You have all of the tools that you need to get through this within yourself. You just need to believe in yourself and trust yourself. The trouble is, we are so disconnected because of the daily grind. SO, they key is… to slow down and go within. Connect with your crown chakra. Your higher self. Connect with god, Buddha or your angels or ancestors, whatever it is you believe in and feels good in your heart. The stronger this connection gets and the more you encounter this presence, the more you will learn that you don’t need the answers right away and the connection and presence is always there available to you and is all that you’ll ever need. You just need to tap in.

Here are some things you can do:

  1. Put your hands on your heart, close your eyes and breathe;
  2. Meditate;
  3. Put on a guided healing meditation;
  4. Put on some healing music or mantras;
  5. Call in your angels, guides, ancestors, god – or whoever it is you believe in and say “thank you for this healing”. You will find the peace wash over you. Sit in it as long as you can;
  6. Recite or listen to affirmations – (internet and youtube has lots);
  7. Start writing;
  8. Do some self reiki if you are practitioner;
  9. Get reiki or acupuncture;
  10. Get your ass to yoga.

You may have noticed that you are sleeping more often and having a hard time waking up. This is normal. Your brain is on overdrive trying to process what you want for your future and your soul is busy making plans and re-mapping. So take the time to make this process quicker and easier by getting into bed and do nothing. Pull the covers over your head. If this means calling in sick, then do that. Find several hours for yourself (or days if you can) to do absolutely nothing. Nourish yourself.  Once you start to illuminate your true path and everything becomes more clear, you will find that don’t need as much sleep and you’ll notice the opposite where now you actually have a lot more energy to accomplish your goals and a you have a brighter outlook on life.




If the last couple months and especially last couple of weeks have been tough for you and your sign, you can now breathe a sigh of relief.

This one has been about focusing on your internal work so that you can start to reflect something newer and better on the external.

Maybe now you realize that you can control the way you respond to everything that is happening around you, always and knowing that’s where your hidden power lies.

You probably learned some tough lessons but notice how it has affected your life for the better. You likely have learned what is important and what is not. Maybe now you have more of an appreciation for your home, your loved ones, your career. Maybe you are more organized. Maybe you’ve learned drama can only survive if you feed into it. Maybe you’ve learned the magical word “NO”. Maybe you got a better handle on where your finances are going. Maybe your marriage has been strengthened because of it. Maybe your faith has been strengthened because of it. Maybe you let go of some bad belief systems that were no longer serving you.

It’s time to leave the past behind you and end the cycle of pain and suffering. Leave your old ways behind you because they aren’t working anymore don’t you see? They don’t give you the good life you deserve. Sometimes the only way for us to know that we’re ready to move forward in life is to realize that we’re not the same person we once were.

Integrate it into this new “level” of yourself where you can now make better choices and stay more positive. Off you go, on to the next chapter and the next half of the year.

Good job everyone, you survived, just like you always do 🙂 <3


Buddha Belly’s 1st Birthday – A Year of Beauty and Change

Buddha Belly's 1st Birthday - A Year of Beauty and Change by Melanie Cosens

My meditations this week have revealed the entirety of the journey I have embarked on since July of last year. What a story that has unfolded over the last 12 months. I’m trying to comprehend how a day is measured in 24 hour increments, but yet the time seems to be faster moving than ever. With all of these new experiences, time feels to be speeding up in 5D. It’s pretty mind boggling to see how all the pieces fit together throughout one short year into this big puzzle that I call my life.

I blinked and BAM. A year later —> a business, a broken arm and a wedding later. I was a hamster on a wheel, headed for everywhere and never stopping for any air. I was living in survival mode and operating out of my root chakra instead of my heart.

The universe was not gentle with me this past year. I didn’t know where to go or how to get there with my dream and the only thing that was guaranteed was that I would reach new levels, whether I liked it or not. When I felt like I was walking up a giant mountain, I had to put one foot in front of the other … day after day … until one day: I would reach the top. But throughout that journey, just like the roots of the trees in the forest, they would trip me and I would fall down. And every time I had a choice to stay down or get back up. I chose to be strong because I have always needed to be strong ever since I took my first breath on this planet. I am not ready to get into this part of who I am, and am still working on my vulnerability, but I know it is my strength that has been a beautiful shield that has protected me on my journey and my faith has been my only foot to stand on.

I am strong because for 28 years, I have been riding on a roller coaster driving through some unthinkable storms in my life. Some storms took years to get through and some took only weeks or months but I have come to know that I always escape out of a storm, on the other side where the sun is shining with proof each time that once again … I survived. Each time thereafter, breathing a sigh of relief and just trusting that the storm changed who I was yet again. My skin would get thicker and my relationship with and trust in myself would get much stronger. I had no choice but to trust that each time these storms would bridge the path to consciousness. Instead of choosing to see my life as “being dealt a bad hand” I’ve always known that there was a higher power somewhere out there, just preparing me for the journey ahead by giving me the tools I needed one day to build something great. There was seldom any ease or grace but I wouldn’t have learnt any of those tough lessons if life were always kind.

In the midst of all the painful moments and life changing lessons I had to learn along the way, painful ones and beautiful ones; I have grown as a person, as a leader and as a soul. The depths of who I am have changed for the better, inside and out.

Starting this business meant my life was going to change in every way possible. This meant changing & re-arranging & revolutionizing my life.

This meant shedding people from my life, old patterns, old belief systems, ways of thinking and doing.

This meant broadening my perspective and stepping into the depths of the unknown by charging into uncharted territory.

This meant change, change and more change.

The funny thing about humans is that we resist change far too much. People are terrified of change. But if you think about all the uncomfortable changes in your life, you’ll realize that with these changes came shifts that always brought something newer and better, and even if you feel it didn’t – you learned some very valuable lessons, tools, strength and life experience.

Change is something as a collective we need to get used to. The only thing that is guaranteed in life is change. Change is the law of life.

So what changes? Technology changes, nature changes, your age changes, your bodies change, situations change, relationships change and fads change. When people finally get sick of their own bullshit, they change. Even your underwear changes (I hope). If things didn’t change we would all still be sitting on yellow, green and orange couches from the 70’s and I for one am glad we aren’t. If things didn’t change I would not have rights or a voice. I wouldn’t be able to authentically provide my esoteric offerings and wisdom because I would be hung for being a “witch”. And I most definitely would not be an independent woman running a business.

As for people, they change too, they come and go, just like seasons. You have to appreciate them as the season that they are, and when it’s time for them to exit, gracefully accept and wave goodbye. You do not plot to find ways to force summer to stay when fall starts to near because there is nothing you can do about this change. You simply do not engage, you accept things as they are. You adjust and adapt. You just surrender to what’s in the plan. This means that you should not change your beliefs nor beg anyone to stay. If they are meant to be, they will never leave. Do not force. Do not contort to please them. Just allow them to fade away. You should not dwell on their past position held in your life because this void space always gets filled with someone better suited for your journey. So like always, this boils down to choices. If we are constantly meeting change with resistance, we are only further addicting ourselves to pain and suffering and continuing on with a bad cycle that never gets us anywhere better.

More often than not, change becomes necessary and stares you right in the face until you listen. If you don’t listen, a volcano will explode in every direction. When life failed to hold meaning for me anymore, I stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and instead I lit it myself. Last year what I was seeking was what I had been searching for my whole life: a place where I belonged. I was looking for a community of like minded conscious people and this is what I found. It turns out that “Seek and you shall find” and “build it and they will come” really hold true.

Let me tell you, this wasn’t a walk in the park. In the beginning of my business there were people who doubted me, then there were ones who were outright unsupportive. My husbands family completely turned against and event tried to get him to do the same, just because I was taking such a risk. Then were the strangers who rolled their eyes at the fact that a 27 year old, nonetheless a woman, thought she could accomplish this great task. Add planning a wedding on top of this and it was like trying to run a marathon with a pocket full of rocks. And I did it alone. It was unnecessarily difficult when it should not have been. It was an awful feeling and I had to drown a lot of noise but with each brick they threw at me, I used it to build a beautiful structure. With each layer I would reach a new level where I would be one step closer to living my truth, my dharma.

In this time, I have been taken advantage of more times that I like to admit. I have had to keep my eyes in my own lane when others judged the decisions I knew were necessary to make for the highest good of everyone involved. I’ve had to sacrifice and risk everything I own. I’ve had to let my guard down and learn to trust. I’ve had to learn to take a stand where necessary. I’ve had to remind myself to never apologize for being picky of who I allow on our team – hell would have to freeze over before I allow someone onto our team who does not understand my vision, our community or is not loving, caring, self-aware or kind. And this evidence is there, every single day when you walk through that door.

In the early days, I had get past the hurt and disappointment of being alone to accomplish my goals every single day, because naturally, when I needed people the most – they were nowhere to be found. I was completely alone with no support. Looking back now, it was SUCH A SAD belief system I was holding onto and have since worked hard in trauma therapy to understand why I think I am always alone and why I attract people and situations that make me continue to affirm that. Part of the problem was me. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I also didn’t realize that I was always the one giving so my life was full with selfish people who only took and never gave. I had to learn to let those people go so I could call in equally loving and supportive relationships. I was exhausted always in the first two years because I hadn’t yet learned the value of balance or self care because I was never taught it. But again, since trauma therapy I can proudly say that have become a QUEEN at these things. In those first years had to keep my eyes open, smile and stand up tall day after day, from sunrise to sunset knowing that eventually one day, I would get 8 hours of sleep. And when I felt the world was against me and there was no one to save me, I had to turn into my own sanctuary inside of myself and just breathe – because that was the only thing I knew how to do. There were many days where I struggled to find my lantern when the only thing I could see was the darkness. But the truth at the end of the day still remains this: I wouldn’t trade these lessons or this life for any other.

In one year I experienced massive amounts of change everyday. My life was on fast forward. I worked everyday, all day and all through the night. The only time I went home was to get a bit of sleep. I didn’t see the inside of a grocery store for a year which meant the only time I ate, was take out. I failed to take a breather and see or feel the sunshine that summer. And sadly, I worked right up until 15 minutes before walking down the aisle on my wedding day. I was late for my own wedding. But here is a news flash: it was all self-inflicted. And it was SO harmful. I got lost in the busy-ness of always trying to finish a task or accomplish the next thing. Feeling like it was never done or never good enough. But I look back knowing that these were all choices. Some of which I can say “next time I will know better and do better”. Part of this ridiculousness that I imposed on myself was excitement of wanting to spend all my time in a place that I had been dreaming up and manifesting for years — and the other part of it was this strange belief that there was never enough time and an even stranger belief that when I was doing my best, it still wasn’t good enough. And that’s when I learned of my lurking unconscious belief that “I was never good enough”. The last 365 days I have been trying to destruct this unreasonable belief that I picked up from life. This something I’d like to delve into further, hoping I can help others with in the future, but that’s another story for another day. It’s changed my life and how I show up for myself now. I can promise you I would never ever ever accept those behaviors from myself again because they were so far from loving and supportive to myself. I am so good at taking care of myself now and I am so good at receiving support from wonderful lovely people. And every night I go to bed, congratulating myself for doing the best I could and I sleep well knowing that.

The studio has been a sacred journey of stepping into my power and finally being able to let my soul out of the closet after the imprisonment of hiding the depths of my true-self since the beginning of time. Layer after layer, the butterfly would merge from the cocoon. The more layers I shed, eventually I would come to find that the new people who walked through my door every day would understand and support me. The truth is, I am no longer alone. I am graced with the presence of unique and wonderful humans. They are the ones who make it possible for me to wake up everyday and focus on spreading my passions. I think I can speak for everyone where I can say we get to experience love and kindness and endless support. Our community is beyond blessed to have each other. My heart is full. Today I am overwhelmingly surrounded by the most beautiful heart centered people who are part of our Buddha Belly family – the students and every single one of our staff who make it such a special place to be. Each one adds to all of the bits that are weaved together into this intricate and beautiful web of oneness.
I get to meet good, beautiful, inspirational people. As much as I teach them, I also learn from them and I also learn about myself. I get front stage as a witness of the ups and downs of everyday life and how resilient, courageous and kind humanity can be. I am forever astounded at how well they adapt in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, and copious amounts of stress. Everyday I watch people breakdown, people get lost and people get found. I watch people breakthrough, people transform. I watch people love each other, confide in each other, people laugh and people cry. I watch people rescue animals and people rescue children and people rescue themselves. I meet people who want to attempt their own life because sometimes the weight of the world is just too much. I have watched people go through cancer, get a divorce/breakup, lose a job, lose a child and have some pretty big medical scares with their children. I have come to learn how many humans suffer from severe PTSD, depression and anxiety. It reminds us of how little we know about the struggles of others. It hurts me to see the pain of so many people who internalize it all. Some days these things break my heart and some days they remind me to be grateful for the simple things. These people make me a better person. These people inspire me every day, always. I am especially inspired on the days when they are walking in with positivity and a smile on their face despite it all. We are all experiencing different hardships, and somewhere out there is a person, who just doesn’t show it on the outside. We all just want to love and be loved. To be part of something. To be supported. To be healthy, to be safe, to accepted and to be secure. And that all comes from the same space of oneness.

It’s not I AM it’s WE ARE. You are them and they are you. We all have this light, that sometimes goes out and sometimes this light gets blown out by another human being. But when we become an instrument of peace and work together instead to build each other up, we can the shine light on each others road ahead, where eventually we find our way back to the truth. I know today that we are all just humans, doing the best we can, with the awareness that we have and all that we can do is bring more love into everything, everyone and every situation, in hopes for making this world a better place.

Alone we can accomplish something, but together we can accomplish anything.


Old self vs New Self – FULL PINK MOON APRIL 29 2018

It’s time to talk about that moon.
Thousands of people experiencing the same collective lessons at once.
If your reading this, is probably applies to you.
That full moon was about YOU.
Hold on for a little longer while it continues to do its thing.
It was a powerful one. An uncomfortable one.
It’s here to shake you. To make you change. To make adjustments.
To make you speak your truth.
It’s telling you to Love always. Even when you don’t want to.
It’s telling you to stop reacting and choose peace.
It’s telling you to stop holding grudges.
It’s asking for you to forgive.
It’s asking you to clear those cobwebs.
It’s calling out your Higher self.
It’s to unzip and shed that old self that doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s here to get rid of the wounds that hold you back, once and for all. Enough is enough.
It’s giving birth to a better version of you. —>version 2.0.

The universe knows what’s best for you. It has a higher perspective. However, right now you are limited in your perspective in this situation. Just trust. Stay calm & be brave.

Things to reflect:

?It’s telling you to stop paying so much attention to the outer world and take a look at the inner world. “Walk by faith but not by sight” The physical is just an illusion. The answers are waiting to be noticed but they are inside, not outside. So stop looking out there, outside of yourself. Get quiet. You are guided. If you would just only listen.

?The shit, the discomfort, the anger the sadness, the turmoil. All it is, every time, is a big nudge. A nudge to go WITHIN. The answers will NEVER be found outside of you, because they are INSIDE. You have all the answers to everything you need to know. If you would just shut up, sit down, close your eyes and feel. And think. And be with the raw emotions. Feel the betrayal, the abandonment, the hurt, the unforgiveness, the hatred, the resentment – whatever it is that’s trapped in there screaming to be freed. Feel the negative low vibe emotions and then LET them GO so that they stop holding you hostage. Hasn’t it been exhausting carrying this baggage your whole life? Let go of your story. End the cycle of pain and suffering. That’s not you anymore. That shit happened years ago, so why do you let it hold you back still? Stop being a hostage in your own life. Let. That. Shit. Go. You are the writer, creator and director of your own life —>it’s time to write a new story for this next cycle of your life.

?Every morning do you fill your coffee cup with cream or rat poison? CREAM. Exactly! So why are you unconsciously allowing so much poison rule your life? People, news, habits, sabotage patterns, food, chemicals, numbing agents (cigarettes, drugs, alcohol). Filling your mind and heart with so much negativity, un-forgiveness, hurt and hatred. Time to stop stacking it all. It has all built up too much now to ignore it. Listen, if you fill a bowl with berries, there’s only so many that will fit until they start pouring out the sides. So pay attention. Remove some berries. Stop the berries from even getting in and overflowing that bowl in the first place. Break the CYCLE. You wonder why you keep attracting the same scenarios over and over again? “Why do I always get hurt” “I’m always broke” “why do people take advantage of me” “why am I always feuding with people” “why do people always leave me” “why can’t I find a good relationship” etc. ****. Change your way of thinking/doing. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. Figure out how you learned to think that way in in the first place. It stems from childhood.  Figure out where it came from and how to shift it. Break the cycle or the universe will just keep attracting the same shit different pile —> until you learn your lesson. If your life up until now hasn’t made you happy and you keep doing the same things and keep getting the same crappy results then it’s time to change the way you do things. You are not a tree —> SO MOVE. Change. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same results. So try a new way. Do things differently. Think differently. Set boundaries. Ask yourself, do I need to change my perception? Do I need to change my reaction? Do I need to change my actions? And if you don’t, well, a giant volcano might just explode in your face as a giant wake up call. Don’t wait for the giant wake up call. Take steps as they are felt, be brave and accept and welcome change with ease and grace.

?Everything outside of you is just a reflection of what’s going on inside of you. Stop blaming everything and everyone for your problems. The problems come from you consciously and unconsciously. The problems start with you and end with you. That means the problems can only be solved through you —> by you. Only you are responsible for yourself. Own the issues and then move on. Let them go. You do not need to punish yourself for past mistakes. You do not need to keep re-creating and re-attracting the same story. You can make a different choice this time. Your old ways aren’t working for you, so open your eyes and your mind and try a new paradigm for this next phase of your life. Stop be-rating yourself for all you’ve done or didn’t do. Don’t you think you’ve punished yourself long enough? We are all LEARNING. All of us. Every single day. Life doesn’t come with a manual. None of us know what the hell were doing. None of us are perfect. We’re all doing the best we can with the awareness that we have. We’re all lost in our own ways. So love people and see that aspect. They are just trying to navigate life like everyone else. And, if they’re really terrible, well, send them love anyway.

?We are all unique. We all come from different life circumstances, different preferences, different motivators, different perceptions, different childhoods, different religions, different triggers, different traumas. But we’re all the same color when we turn off the lights. We all bleed when we’re wounded. We all want to love and be loved. We all want security, stability, safety. So why are we all so mean to each other? Why do some participate in this concept of duality? Why do we insist on this illusion that we are separate? That’s an illusion, caused by the mind and the play of the senses, which make us regard the world and everything in it as real and separate from us. The terms “I”, “you”, “he”, “she” and “they” are not real. If you can change your perception to oneness you’ll realize we are all cut from the same cloth. We should be doing all we can to make the world a better place for all its inhabitants. We should be building each other up, not putting each other down. We should be unconditionally loving each other during the good and the bad. We should be accepting one another regardless of gender, religion, color, status. Step up and put an end to others suffering. We are all souls experiencing a human existence. We’re all on this roller coaster ride of life and lesson learning – smiles, tears and all. So why don’t we work together? We do we compete? Why don’t we help each other? People who feel loved and supported are healthier happier people → this creates a ripple effect out into out into the world.

?Do we expect people to read our minds? Are we really speaking our truth? Are we really being honest? Do your loved ones really know what you need from them to feel loved and cared for? Do they really know … or do you think they should just know? They can’t read your mind. You have to communicate. Have you been telling them or have you just been reacting to your unmet expectations and built up a ton of resentment?  If so, that’s on YOU. If you just explain, come to terms with your junk and explain your past and where you are coming from, people will not punish you, instead they will learn how you need to be loved. Because this whole time your heart has been shut down, locked, bolted and has a “do not enter sign “ ducked taped to it. The only person this hurts is you. You are robbing yourself of the one thing we all came here to do. To give and receive love. If people in your life are not willing or capable of doing that, then find new people.

If you want an awesome relationship, you create one. You put in the work. You open up that throat chakra and you communicate. USE. YOUR. WORDS. but do not react emotionally. Instead of blaming, try statements: “when you do this, this makes me feel like this because of this in my past, in the future it would make me feel more loved/supported if you could…” etc. Let them know what is going on in that head of yours. By letting them know all the craziness that goes on in there, you save them from the “you should just read my mind” monster. We all have this insane expectation that everyone should read our minds and navigate our emotions and just know how to behave. Everyone has a different brain, everyone sees through a different lens, based on their own set of beliefs and experiences. Reality check. We don’t come with a manual. So be an open book. Don’t make them feel like a lesser person in the relationship because they can’t read your mind. This is setting them up for failure. This is ensuring a relationship will fail and you both lose. Don’t let your loved ones fail. You may be shocked at how amazing they can be, once you actually teach them, then let them. Show love by asking questions, listening, supporting and learning about who they we are and why they are the way they are.

Ask yourself: what has been holding me back from the life I deserve? My old self? My past? Life is too short. You or anyone you love, they could be gone in an instant. How would you feel then? What are you harboring that is causing you to close your heart? What is coming up that needs to heal?

So sit the heck down. Get our your paper. Write how far you’ve come in your life. Write what isn’t working. Write the steps on how you could change it. Then you burn it. Let go of the chains that have held you back my friend. That shit does not serve you.

You were meant to do great things.


Bravely going after your dream life

Living your best life can be difficult. I get it. I’ve been there. Depressed and miserable. Frustrated. Living a life with zero joy. Just going through the daily motions. Hiding who I really was.

Eventually I realized I deserved better and I HAD ENOUGH.

What I came to realize was that I’m lucky if I have 80 years to live. So why not live with intention and live on purpose by doing what I actually want to do?

The human condition is that we are so focused on a material world. We’re taught that its crucial to have a stable career with a pension and to suck it up even if you don’t enjoy it because that’s what has been passed down from generation to generation.

We strive for big cars, big houses and designer clothes. Some people come to materialize these things and then it turns out, they still aren’t happy. Shocking? Not really.

No one stops to think about what they really truly want. The fact of the matter is, deep down, no one really cares about any of those things. Hidden behind that mask is a person who wants to feel appreciated, accepted, preaceful, purposeful, etc.

By 80 years of age, no one cares about what you look like, the money in your bank account, the size of your house, your job title, if you married within your race and religion, especially when your hair is grey, your parents are gone, your face is wrinkly and your boobs are sagging. What people care about is your heart, your personality, your kindness, your happiness, the good you do for the world, for yourself you, for your family. What you’ll care about is the good relationships, the good experiences you’ve had, what you’ve learnt, built or accomplished, that you’ve served someone/something other than yourself, that you wake up everyday next to someone you truly genuinely love and who chooses you everyday, instead of someone who feels like a roomate that doesn’t deserve you and treats your like poo, that you spend time with your kids and you parented them and are proud of who they became, that you truly lived and experienced things, and laughed more than you cried, and you were actually were HAPPY doing it all. So why don’t we think this way from 10-50? It makes no sense! Why don’t we learn to forgive, detach from drama, and find some humour and joy!? Making a big life change is scary, but you know what’s scarier? REGRET!

Living your dream life that is filled with joy and happiness takes effort to get there, but eventually it becomes a lifestyle. If you asked me 5 years ago if I would openly be my authentic self and be honest about who I was/my interests/my thoughts/my lifestyle and not hide it anymore I wouldn’t have believed you.  I am free. I like me that way. I love spirituality, meditation, yoga, personal growth, reading, nature, animals, psychic development, food, plants and flowers. My favorite subjects are manifesting, intuition, ancestral healing, inner-child healing, past-lives/pre-birth planning, near death experiences, spirit guides and angels. I work with energy for a living, I am constantly learning. I like a blend of Hinduism and Buddhism, Native American Beliefs and Spirituality and Christianity. I study the the universe and other esoteric things. I care about the earth, about the homeless and about animals rights/feelings. I take huge risks and I DREAM BIG because I believe in myself and I believe in manifesting and I trust the universe/god. I believe in something bigger than myself. Because of that, I ALWAYS get what I want. I NEVER FAIL. I’ve accepted that if you don’t like who or how I am, then you don’t need to be in my life. That’s okay. You don’t like that I’ve “changed” well guess what I am who I have always been, its just that “the old me”, that was never really me! I’m who I’ve always been I just spent my entire life hiding it because it wasn’t safe to show my true self. Because it wasn’t accepted. I was just trying to fit into the mold of who everyone else wanted me to be. You’re gay or trans? then be gay or trans! you want an interracial relationship? do it! You want to be an artist instead of a lawyer? Wanna be Buddhist instead of Catholic? DO IT! AND OWN IT! Everyday just work be a better version of yourself and be more authentic.

If you’d said I would own a wellness business, be healthy, own a house, own my dream car, be in love, be getting married, traveled, have 2 amazing dogs, have amazing like minded successful friends, be a vegetarian (still working on it), quit a high paying high profile career that I was damn good at but didn’t like? wake up excited and happy everyday? I literally would have laughed straight in your face! If you asked me ten years ago if I could lose 30 lbs, quit smoking, get rid of shitty friends, a shitty relationship, quit drinking, go to college, become a reiki, yoga teacher and bodytalk practitioner, lomi practitioner, have a healthy, happy, loving relationship, work on myself, heal my past and grow and change? Learn to speak and live my truth? Heck no, I would have laughed even harder…

What does it take to get what you want? A goal, a plan and accountability! You need to be clear about exactly what it is you want. Make a vision board or write it down and hide it. If you are unclear about what you want, the universe is going to give you unclear results. Think of it this way, if you go the bank to take out cash but you don’t know how much you want, the teller isn’t gonna give you anything until you decide on the amount.  Am I right, or am I right?

You can literally do anything you put your mind to. Stop making excuses. Excuses are for people who don’t get results. Stop listening and giving into your fears! The same goes for the people in your life. If they are negative and discourage you, get rid of them! Set your boundaries. If these people are fearful of your goals, it says more about them than it does you. Their fears and opinions are an inner reflection of themselves. That’s cool, but you don’t need to take it on. If you have people who bring you down and make your life worse get rid of them. People should bring value and improve your life, not take from it and make it worse! The people in your circle/life determine your success. Who you surround yourself with is only as far as you will go in life. You are only as strong as the weakest link. Want to be successful? Surround your self with people who are already successful. Want to have a healthy happy relationship? Surround your self with couples who mimic that and learn it from them. Need some serious courage, be friends with someone who is fearless.

Waiting for someone else or an outer circumstance to save you? Sorry, Not gonna happen! The most important person in your life should absolutely be you. The only person that can make you happy and make change is you. So why are you treating YOU like garbage? Why do you talk negative to yourself? Why do you accept bullshit from people in your life? Would you treat your kids or your mom that way? NO! How would you want them to live? Lead by example. Be in a healthy happy relationship, work a job you enjoy, find friends that treat you well and lift you up, save your money, want a nice body? Go to the damn gym and eat well. Want a job you love? Want to start a business? Want to leave an abusive relationship? Make a plan! Want a different career? Take a course? Make the steps to get there. Don’t listen to your ego/mind when it says how, who what, when? Trust the universe to take care of that for you as long as you take some action every day and show that you are committed. It will show you the steps as they are required if you JUST LISTEN. Just take baby steps. Every baby step is progress. Every baby step leads you to where you want to be! TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. Stop making excuses. Thoughts and actions are energy “where energy goes, energy flows!

Will you make mistakes? Absolutely. I do. Do I make the wrong choices sometimes? Absolutely. But we need to learn from them, move on and continue to grow and strive to be better. Use those lessons of what not to do, and do it better the next time around. Don’t beat yourself up, we are human. Life is all about learning.

But can you make this process easier? YES. Having an accountability partner. What is it that you want for yourself? Better body? Less anxiety? Healthier diet? Career that makes you happy? Pair up with someone who you can trust and who motivates you to be better. Each day you send each other a photo that you’ve completed your task! For example, make two goals for the day. What will lead to your best life? Taking a course, going to the gym, eating right, reading a book, doing yoga or meditation, and you send that person a screenshot of proof you did it/signed up for it/ made it etc, by 9pm. That partner then sends you their pictures/screenshots too!

Ex) send them of a picture of you at the gym, of your meal prepping, of your full pack of cigarettes (because you didn’t smoke) of your clean and organized closet, the first page of your business plan, your job search, your clean house! Anything! Baby steps people!

You can do it. I believe in you. You are worth it. You have all the tools.

When you can no longer avoid your triggers you are faced to seek inner healing

Has everything and everyone has been triggering you lately? Can’t seem to escape it?  Well that’s because you can’t continue to ignore your triggers. You can’t run anymore. They are are in there deeply seated in the unconscious just waiting for you to tend to them so that they don’t manifest into something much worse. There are unhealed emotions inside of you from childhood that are begging for you to resolve them.

So let’s take a look at this. Think of who or what has been triggering you lately. It is normal to play the “he/she made me feel this way” card and the “they shouldn’t have done that” game, but that only creates more pain. So why are you feeding pain with more pain? Sounds counter productive doesn’t it? Instead of shifting the blame onto that person or situation. Why don’t we look within instead? What does this remind me of from childhood? where have I seen this before? And that right there, is the beginning of the path to finding the root issue that needs healing. You have to recover every age of your inner-child and re-integrate them with your adult self.

The only reason we are being triggered is because there is something in us that wants to heal. What is causing us this pain or discomfort by this person is simply an opportunity for us to heal. THEY ARE JUST THE CATALYST. If we can shift our awareness from “they made me feel this way” instead to “why did I allow this persons behavior to disrupt my own inner peace?” “where does it come from in my past that is triggering me and what can I do to work on in myself?” “Why am I blaming them when I am truly responsible for my own thoughts and behaviors that make me feel this way?”, “How can I be a better person?” “How can I be a happier person consistently and not just when things are going my way?” “How can I retain my inner peace even when storms surround me?” “how can I remain unaffected by another’s words or actions?”.

Instead of condemning these people who “hurt” us, what if we send them love for subconsciously helping us as our teacher. Thank them for being a catalyst to our inner path of healing. They are not deliberately hurting us. People do not wake up every day looking to hurt others. That is our perception and may be a belief system. So if we shift our perception and send them love instead of condemning them, the hurt will go away because you no longer identify yourself as a victim. These scenarios will stop attracting into our lives once we heal the root of the problem. Warning thought it will come up in layers like an onion to heal. It doesn’t happen over night.

We have all hurt someone in our lives without even knowing it, simply by a word or an action and we don’t notice because it is not something that would have hurt us… but it hurts them because of their past experiences and beliefs. Most of the things that are happening are really happening around us in the background, to them, not to us. But we choose to believe they are happening to us. So we have a choice to let it go or hold on to it. Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. We don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if we do. Most people’s reactions to obstacles are resistance, which leads to annoyance, frustration, despair, futility, or anger. Dig yourself out of that hole one shovel at a time, find your light again and let it shine like the marvelous you that you are!

We are all humans, all on the path to enlightenment, living and learning lessons along the way. We are all lost somewhere or another. None of us came with a manual. We all need to look at each other as brothers and sisters and have compassion for one another. Underneath our skin and ego we all have a heart, a higher self, and we all have blood running through our veins. We all need love patience and understanding as we figure out this thing called life and as we figure out how to be a better person each step of the way. Every single one of us has some form of a mountain to climb. We all face adversities, none worse than others, just different. What if we stop making it about “me” and treat others the way we would want to be treated back. Become first what you want others to be. If they are not loving you the way you would like, so what? Love them back even harder. Fight the anger with non-anger. They probably are struggling with their own self-love. If you are not treated the way you would like to be treated, get honest with yourself and ask yourself how have I been treating others or even more importantly, how have I been treating myself? Have I been showing myself love and kindness and compassion or have I been to hard and unforgiving on myself? People can only meet you to the extent you have met yourself. So if you are not kind to yourself. if you don’t respect yourself, if you don’t take care of yourself, if you don’t hear and see how lovely you are, THEN OTHERS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO EITHER. All of your experiences in your external reality and are a direct reflection of what thoughts, beliefs, patterns and wounds you hold on the inside. Your external reality continues to reflect and confirm that data inside of your human computer.

Some people experience a lot of hurt at the beginning or their lives and some experience it here or there. We can’t discount what other people are going through because we will never understand the path that they are living because we are not on it. Each has his own journey. We are all acting and responding according to how we think we should be according to our circumstances and our beliefs and lenses we are looking out of. At the end of the day, there’s really no right or wrong. It’s just perception. We should always be doing WHAT IS BEST FOR US. If we don’t make ourselves a priority and forget to give ourselves the love we need, we will not have it in us to give to anyone else. At the end of the day we all just want the same things. We want to experience joy and peace. We want to love and be loved without walls. We all want to give and receive. We are all seeking our purpose in life. We all want to be happy. So why can’t we love one another and extend compassion, understanding and kindness? Why can’t we support and build each other up rather than condemn and compete and judge? We are all the same at the end of the day. We are one. We come from one consciousness, so we are just in fact hurting ourselves.

If someone is going through something we don’t understand, or someone is behaving in a way that we don’t like, we could instead try to understand why. Put our self in their shoes, in their situation. We do not know why they do the things they do because we have not lived the life they did. This is why we are all unique individuals. We all had a different life, different parents, different belief systems, different traumas, different things bring us joy, different things trigger our pain; some things trigger one person whereas another person might not even blink an eye to the same scenario. YOU are responsible for how you are feeling inside, no one else. That’s a really tough thing to come to terms with and we naturally want to resist it because its uncomfortable. If you are giving people your power, that’s on you, not them. Now were aware, but how do we shift it? Contain your energy, don’t give it away. When negative situations come up where you are feeling hurt, come back inside yourself. Breathe. Meditate. Go to yoga. Ask yourself why is this happening? What did this trigger inside of me from my past and how can I heal it? Then, you send that person love instead…and say thank you, because we are all just humans having a human existence, doing the best we can with what we know and the skills we have been given that have been passed down by past generations. Heal these things in yourself, love yourself, have compassion for yourself, and you will heal all the generations before you and everyone around you. This work is not small. It is significant and helps to raise the vibration of the planet each time you heal a part of you. Keep going.


Solo Trip to Hawaii 2017 – Part 3 (Goodbye!)

I can confidently say that my solo trip to Hawaii was best 3.5 weeks I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Every meal was made for me, yoga classes and meditation at my doorstep, adventures each new day. I camped on a beach, slept in a treehouse, swam with turtles, saw some wales, went to a full moon drumming circle on the beach, saw a volcano, climbed above waterfalls, took selfies with chickens, floated in the warm pond at night and watched the stars, lived in harmony with the Pigs and Geckos, watched the sun and moon rise and set and took hula lessons.

What was really interesting was I didn’t realize I was going to a gay predominant resort. That was a big surprise but it was super awesome and diverse! I got to watch them be free, be themselves, own who they are and it was so freakin beautiful! They were in a state of pure joy. I got to to be a part of their matrix for days on end, which normally I wouldn’t get as an opportunity. Sometimes I felt left out, but that’s what lead me to internalize and reflect, which turned out to be a good thing. Just me and god trying to make sense of where I’ve been and where I’m going.

Hawaii was an amalgamation of a multitude of experiences. Experiences that helped me to know myself better. So many conscious conversations and realizations to remind me of who I really am and what I am really capable of. It brought to surface all the wounds I have not yet healed in myself, but it also showed me what I love about myself, what is hidden inside of me, what I forgot about my self. Turns out I am charming as hell! If you put me in a country by myself with other like minded conscious people, I’ll have more friends in 3 days than I have made in my entire life in Canada.

I found that in life it’s not just simply a matter of what happens out there in the world, but also what is going on internally. The Universe and your surroundings rearrange themselves to bring you what you believe based on the thoughts and beliefs, expectations and unhealed traumas inside of you. Everything inside of you is reflected in your existing reality. You cannot see in another what you cannot see in yourself. What you see in another is either a quality you admire or a quality that needs to be changed. What you expect and forecast into the future, is what will happen. So it is literally “as within so without”. The quality of your thoughts are creating your life in every single moment. Every thought is a prayer.

I definitely found what I was looking for there, which turned out to be MYSELF. In everyday life, I got so easily absorbed in the lives of everyone around me, only identifying with duties, family and business first. I’ve been de-prioritizing myself and my business for other people. Sometimes you have to lose the distractions/people in your life to realize what you really are at the core and what the hell you want. Not what everyone else tells you that you are or should be or should do. This trip presented plenty of time to introspect and embrace the silence around me. It wasn’t until I was calmer than a cucumber, that I realized I am actually batshit crazy. Why am I running around 24 hours of the day trying to be everything to everyone and forgetting to do what makes me happy? I forgot how to have fun as easily as I forget where my glasses are. Silly me for always taking a rain cheque on myself, for never doing anything I enjoy. If I’m not happy I can’t actually be present or pleasant to anyone else around me. A happy loved me, enables me to love and care for everyone else around me. It also helps to enjoy their company instead of wishing they would leave so that I can get back to my business.

Traveling solo reminded me of what I actually choose to do when I am all by myself. Do I sleep late or rise early? Do yoga? Meditate? Journal? Join a Dance class? make friends with strangers? Do I watch every sunset or moon rise? or do I read 2 books back to back? go on a spontaneous adventure? have cereal for supper? Beer at breakfast? Do I get lost in the forest? Do I lay in my bed for 8 hours watching the sun go up and then go down? Do I say yes to adventure or play it safe? do I answer my text messages or no? Do I tell people to piss off when they are out of line? So, for the rest of my life do I want to focus on true self-expression and self-actualization by seeking experiences and activities which provide ultimate personal fulfillment within life on the physical plane? Yup. I am not interested in anything other than doing something I love well, living up to my true potential, and finding inner satisfaction.

Travelling alone helped me become more comfortable going with the flow. I realized that if I just surrendered to the universe and had zero expectations, that I would be provided for in ways that I could not have even imagined. I would pray for something that seemed outrageous like, ” universe thank you for making me money today”. “Universe that you for finding someone to drive me to the beach.” Everyday my mind was blown over and over again. Everything I asked for, I got. Every day proved to me that I was in the flow. Molecules were moving for me. I was indeed in the right place at the right time. My intuition called me there and I trusted and responded appropriately. Everyday was a beautiful day, full of gifts, beautiful experiences and beautiful souls. My god the people. I have never truly loved so many people instantaneously in my whole life, nor have I had that many conscious conversations in sun a short amount of time. It was like I knew them my whole life. I felt really seen and heard and understood. I was able to cultivate some life long relationships with some pretty incredible, interesting, loving and wise people. The thing was … because of my awareness and openness, all of these people, some more than others, mirrored back to me, little things about myself. Good and bad. But it changed me forever.

My trip was about learning what else I was scared of, what I have been ignoring, what I should NOT be putting up with. It was about looking fear in the eyes, living on the edge, letting go of judgment, getting back to myself, owning my rebelliousness, throwing the rules out the window, challenging my boundaries and saying yes to things I would normally say no to out of fear, but sticking up for myself and putting some boundaries in places that have been missing. IT’S TIME TO FIRE THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN ME.

Chatter got big while I was away. To most I was inspirational, ballsy, or remarkable and that my actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more (which I agree to) but on the opposite spectrum to some, I hear through the grapevine that I was selfish, crazy, bad or having a mental breakdown. For the love of Pete. It was a BREAKTHROUGH people, not a breakdown. In life, there is a need every now and then to find some time and space for introspection to reflect within oneself. God forbid someone goes on a journey of self, or does something spontaneous or has one last time alone before a marriage or children, or takes a hiatus and fresh air 3 weeks before a big business endeavor begins and my ass gets to be inside 14 hours a day for 7 days a week manning a business. BAHHH. This equally frustrates me and makes me shake my head. Who/what are you living for? Are you even living? How can you turn something so beautiful into something so negative? Do you do that daily? What about the greater meaning? What about the clarity and consciousness? Jeeze. Wake up and smell the roses. Your living in the mental stone ages. Negative and fear consumed, unkind people get the hell out of my life, PLEASE!

The taste of freedom away from these people and the bliss of nature grew into a strong desire to abandon the superficial existence. This means those superficial people too. Although, for the past two years I’ve been headed to an existence of an authentic individual, this trip most definitely accelerated it. I became more aware of my thoughts, choices, patterns, behaviors and my surroundings back at home. I was able to step back and re-evaluate my life and environment. I realized there are still some people I should not allow into my life or my thoughts. I allow people to think they are entitled to their opinions of how I run my life or business. Or that I should be at their beckon call. I realized that I am lacking some serious boundaries with most people in my life. I am a natural born leader, entrepreneur, risk taker, go getter, fear puncher in the facer, old habit breaker, conscious awakener, spiritual guider. Risk taking is in my blood and I CANT live without it. The thought of a vanilla life with vanilla people, makes me gag just thinking about it. If you have an issue with what I do and how I do it, it says more about you than it says about me, so I’m going to stop taking it personally and stay true to my inner callings. I believe in myself and my ideas and talents and no more will I try and convince people in my life to believe in that when they will be forever committed to misunderstanding me. I honor and love my craziness, because guess what? It’s the crazy ones who end up making a difference in the world. Calculated risks make the difference between an ordinary and an extraordinary life.

We have 4 types of people in this world who operate this way in life, love, relationships and career:

1. People who find comfort in security and are totally fine that there will be little mystery or excitement with that. It’s what they genuinely want; (ok, awesome, fair enough)
2. People who secretly want different and want more but are too afraid of the risks or what other people think to go get it or they lack discipline and gumption; (ok, I get it, its scary, but you can do it!)
3. People who want more but are trapped due to taking care of an ill or disabled family member; (very understandable this season you are in)
4. People who see past the restrictions go and get everything and anything their heart desires even if it means crying and stumbling a lot along the way (YAH!) You even see disabled people doing this. Their perseverance is so inspiring despite all the odds against them.

I don’t have an issue or pass judgment on any of these scenarios. I would like otherwise for you, because I know you can do it, but it’s your life but just do me a favor and don’t criticize other peoples lives or their ideas or risks or life purpose. (Here’s some advice only in the case where you don’t like your life and you want change) It’s easy to stay where you are even you don’t like it. I get that its easy to to play it safe and play it small….but guess what? nothing changes! And when nothing changes, you feel stuck and alone and miserable and its no one’s fault but your own. You are not a tree, so move damnit! Get sick enough of your circumstances that you decide to have a breakthrough and make a change. You deserve to have a life you love and I want you to have it. Growth can only happen when you step out of you comfort zone. Yes its scary, but Befriend fear! You know what fear is? it’s just the border of the life you currently know. Our vision lives outside of our comfort zone. What’s your vision? What do you love? Follow the spark of interest. What do you want? Pay attention to those longings and discontents, they are there for a reason… they are your answer. Once you make up your mind and get clear, molecules will move, doors will open for you, but until then a fuzzy picture provides fuzzy results. PEOPLE COME ON. In this exact moment in time, we are living in the safest place, at the safest time, with the most opportunity, technology, resources, in human history! Life expectancy and education are on the rise!!! We have Antibiotics, modern sanitation, household wealth, birth control. Females have rights. We had a black president. We have electricity and instant running water. We have air conditioning. No need to forage for food, we have grocery stores on every block. No need to washboard your clothes or hand wash your dishes, why we have washing machines for those! So how is it possible to be living in the safest time in human history, yet at the exact same time to be so scared? The real respect here lies with those ancestors who risked it all with little to nothing. No google, no grants, no GPS, no courses, no counselling, no visa, no uber, no computers with infinite resources at your fingertips. They didn’t have the ability to communicate instantaneously to people on other side of planet by texting, emailing, Facebook and calling – they used telegrams or mail. At one point they didn’t have cars, motorcycles, buses, boats, trains and planes. Reality check, WE CAN FLY!!! How lucky are we? What about when there was no airplanes? (thanks Jon for the reminder). You had to travel by boat or horse or foot yo. It took 30 years to get from New York to California. OH THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY. I have no excuse but to persevere, after all I am given a vast ocean of opportunity and choices.

I spent most of my life listening to “conventional wisdom” and felt really guilty that it didn’t resonate. It took me years to realize I was unhappy because I was listening that that garbage. Those are OLD beliefs and OLD paradigms. I was trying to fit into a box that I didn’t belong in. Life is not black and white. It is in color. I’ve learned that people do not particularly like it when life changes, and life always changes, which irritates them. If you aren’t changing you are dying inside. The world is changing a lot right now, and except for the recession, is generally improving. But that involves everybody learning new stuff and thinking differently, which usually seems to piss off most people over the age of forty. Don’t buy into that nonsense. Like I said, this is the best time in human history, and it’s only going to get better.

I want to look back at my life on my death bed and be damn proud and satisfied with what I Created! I don’t want to come to the end of my life to find out that I haven’t really lived at all. If that’s what you want and you want to settle in your life for a job you don’t like, a marriage you despise, no money in your bank account, people that treat you like shit, zero personal growth, that’s cool that’s your choice, but where my choice comes in is where people come crying to me about how much their life sucks when they do absolutely NOTHING to change it. And it becomes the same sob story for years and years and years. No more. Respect me by leaving me out of it please. I choose not to be involved ever again. I work incredibly hard to maintain my happiness and I won’t allow anyone to affect that again. Every problem has a solution. So find the right formula. And every person is responsible for the course of their lives. Not me. I have to stop taking on other people’s problems and trying to solve it for them.

Here’s the thing about life and risks and living on the edge. It ain’t always going to be glamorous but it will be worth it.

You can’t win a game of bowling without throwing the ball down the lane. If you don’t get all the pins do you sit down and cry and give up? No, you track your score and adjust your technique next time. You set the pins back up and throw that ball again. You win some, you lose some. When problems arise in business or personal life, this just provides you the chance to set the pins up again and throw the ball again from a new angle. You most likely have what it takes to complete the game. You just can’t give up. So don’t be afraid when the ball doesn’t end up in the right place. Try again. And well, if you never play the game, you’ll never know.

Solo Trip to Hawaii 2017 – Part 2 – My Birthday!

Note: This is part 2 – If you haven’t read part one please DO because that one is golden.

I know everyone would like an update since I’ve gone Rogue. I’ve been trying to limit technology, so I will try and be quick.

Here is a video of the treehouse im staying in: https://www.facebook.com/melaniebelley2/videos/10158363645845494/?t=3

Day 1
Utter and absolutely overwhelm as I woke up to see the jungle for the first time in my entire life. It had been night time when I arrived here so I didn’t get to see much. There aren’t any words to describe the beauty. The entire day proved over and over again, that Hawaii is without a doubt, a portal. A portal to heaven. There is no place or thing that could ever be feel or look as beautiful to me. This place is very powerful. It is a force that pulls you in. It is a place that cannot be described with words, but can only be felt from the heart. It is transformative. It’s astounding to be aligned with the energy of this place and the feeling like you are coming home to your tribe. It’s like you’ve been an alien your whole life and there were other aliens out there too this entire time, just waiting in this space, accumulating since 1970 and each year growing to date. However, If you are not the hippy/rustic/wanna get down with nature type though, this place definitely isn’t for you.

On my way to breakfast (which is sounded by a conch) I had the crap scared out of me by something round and black. I thought it was a bear rustling in the bushes (typical Canadian) but there are no bears here. To my surprise it was a wild boar with its baby. They are friendly here because they know everyone is Vegan here at the property and would never harm them. I had several more of these encounters throughout the day, not one which startled me any less. That will take a while to get used to. I also met some wild kitties along the way and a ton of mongoose. Mongoose are like a squirell/gopher and super cute but destructive apparently. One of the volunteers has a pet mongoose that she found paralyzed 4 years ago. She took him home and cared for him ever since. Its pretty incredible to see a wild animal be so trusting of a human as it had no other choice but to be vulnerable to a human since it could not walk but only could crawl. He loves to be petted and get his belly scratched but he is not fond of men. It is illegal to have a pet mongoose or to even to have a vet treat a pet mongoose as they are so overpopulated. And Ill have to say, I am having a hard time adapting to the 5-10 Gecko’s in my bedroom. I didn’t ask to have roomates. Especially not that type. This is another thing I will need to get over…but they are sloly growing on me. I just pray to the gods before bed “please don’t let them crawl on me while I sleep.” AH.

I had a Lomi Lomi Hawaiian massage today. I don’t really know what exactly happened in there but I know it changed my life forever. Something sacred inside of me opened up wide. I am going to get certified and provide these healing Hawaiian massages myself (so come see me). Anyways, immediately made my first friend at breakfast and we had a good chat for several hours. Then again several others throughout the day. Every time a conversation or event ended, a new one intercepted. It was connection after connection. Making new friends, and having more deep and meaningful conversations with beautiful souls. The conversations that I have had today have been eye opening and life changing on a personal level. The right person seems to come at the right time with the right message as I completely analyze the course of my life.

I also got to have some mind blowing stories of how people got here. Everyones story is so unique and inspiring. Many of these people have done the same thing that I have done. Most have gone even 10 steps bigger than I. Majority of these people came here 5-25 years ago as a guest and ended up staying and volunteering and never returning home. Some of the others have been travelling around the world for years at all time gaining wisdom, experience and spiritual insight.

Day 2
This morning I woke up in my tree house at 6:30 am and it was a lot cooler than it had been when I went to sleep. It rained last night and so the rain came through my screen walls a little and dampened the floor. I put on my bathing suit and dress and made my way to the breakfast hut. I had peaches and cream oats, papaya and scrambled eggs and toast. I had breakfast with a lovely girl named Marian, who is from British Columbia. We chatted for quite some time and then Franny (a lovely volunteer) offered to take me to town to explore. We were to take Julia (another sweet volunteer) to the hospital first as she broke her arm in a freak kitchen accident trying to break someone’s fall. The poor thing. After we dropped her off, Franny took me to target for a hat and Safeway for some sandwiches and a 6 pack of beer of Hawaiian beer. Yes, you heard me right, they have liquor at Safeway. Unusual but convenient. I’m not much of a drinker, but Big Wave stole my heart with its refreshing notes of passion fruit. From there she took me to the waterfalls which was absolutely stunning. It is mesmerizing how there is so much beauty in the world that I haven’t even scratched the surface of. From the falls we made our way to Carl Smith Beach. Which is now without a shadow of a doubt, my favorite place on this entire planet.

The universe really outdid itself today. This morning when I woke up, I pre-thanked it for providing me with a beautiful day filled with Magic and Beauty. The universe did not fall short on its response to my request. After we ate our sandwiches and had a drink we went down in the water. Low and behold A GIANT TURTLE swam up to us and decided to hang out for a few hours. For some reason it was not afraid of us at all. It even went so far as to graze against our bellies and legs. This was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I was incredibly overwhelmed with awe of this magnificent giant creature. I couldn’t help but wonder how old he/she was and you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, even if you tried. I am incredibly grateful for that once in a lifetime experience.

This evening, I played in the pool again, then showered, went for supper with some lovely people from BC and then I took some Hula dance lessons. I am now exhausted from lots of walking today and writing these snippets from my journal from my bed. Tomorrow is an exciting day. It is my 27th birthday and something called Saturn return. The day when Saturn will return to the very same place around the sun as It would have been on the very day that I first came out of the womb. 

Day 3
All my new friends got me a cake and sang me happy birthday today. I cried because I have never felt more loved and accepted in my life, and it was with perfect strangers.

The pool here is a nude pool and so is the local beach. I have been psyching myself up to go topless and it almost gives me a heart attack. I haven’t worked up the courage yet but I admire those that are able to go full tilt. They are so free. I am learning to get over myself and my insecurities. I’ve been praying for the support I need to overcome this.

And the opportunity came knocking … I figured no better time to wear your birthday suit than on your birthday! Today the owner challenged me to pose for a nude painting at an art gallery on the Big Island. I only had 10 minutes to say yes or no. He thought it was a great way to spend my birthday. I really didn’t want to do it but I felt that I would be missing on a once in a lifetime opportunity. I knew the universe was guiding me to experience this and I felt that there would be so much value in leaning into this uncomfortable. I came out of the womb naked, so I mise well spend today naked.

It was a brutal 40 degrees in the art studio. I had to sit in the same position for 2 straight hours. Everything hurt like hell. When I stood up my legs were so numb that I fell over. In that posing experience, something really significant and transcendental happened. I had a bunch of strangers studying every inch and detail of my body and it was in the moment I wondered why I could hate my body so much when others were admiring it and making art out of it. That was quite a mind altering experience for my brain and it really brought to light my beliefs about my body and myself. I started to relax and slowly put down shield and armor I had put up my whole life. I knew I would never be the same after this.

Since it was my birthday, a lot of the artists gave me their paintings and I was so grateful. Everyone wished me a happy birthday and hugged me (with clothes on) on my way out. At the last minute he said oh I almost forget, here! … and they handed me a couple hundred dollars. I was pleasantly surprised and they all said “WAIT!!!??? WHY DO YOU SEEM SUPRISED?! DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE GETTING PAID FOR THIS? THE MODEL ALWAYS GETS PAID.” I was like “UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM NOOOOOOOOOOOO. HAHAH YOLO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO LEAN INTO DISCOMFORT AND ALLOW MYSELF A WILD EXPERIENCE THE UNIVERSE PRESENTED TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY! So this money is just icing on the cake.”

I laughed silently to myself as I walked away because I prayed this morning for “a memorable birthday and for the universe to make me some money”. I guess you can say I got my wish. Just in an entirely unexpected fashion.

Obviously after this I had no more hang ups. I dove straight to the pool, this time bravely without my top! I felt so free.

Hawaii has been the most magical and monumental experience of my entire life. I have been given a glimpse of what my life could be and who I am destined to be if I would just choose it. I am committed to facing my deepest fears. My first lesson was vulnerability. And boy, did it strip me quite literally of everything.

Spur of the moment solo trip to Hawaii 2017 (Part 1)

So yesterday I did something crazy. Perhaps insane.

Intuition was unapologetic when it guided me to the computer where I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and booked myself a one way ticket to Hawaii with all my airline points to sleep in a treehouse in a remote area… in the jungle. I didn’t book a return ticket. I knew I would be guided to come home when the time was right. Who would I be going with? Just me myself and I. When would I depart??? 19 hours. Not 19 days or 19 weeks.

16.5 hours total of  travel! 30 mins to the airport. 4 flights. 3 airport trains. 45 min shuttle to the resort.

My god what did I just do?

At this point, I’ve never been on a plane anywhere alone. I don’t know what the hell im doing. I don’t know how to travel.

I shook up my entire life as I new it, in under 10 minutes.

My mind was running a million miles a minute.

My birthday is in 3 days. I’ll be alone on my birthday. Who am I to do this? Who am I not to do this? I’m crazy. This is crazy.

What will everyone think? … Who cares what everyone thinks!

What about my responsibilities? What about the dogs? Will Gage be ok? What will gage eat if I don’t cook? What about my business emails and voicemails? I need to clean the house and do laundry and make sure the fridge has groceries first. But wait. Actually. Screw it. No I don’t have to do any of those things. I choose to do them. Those are choices. For once I choose to be irresponsible and stop caring more about other people than I care about myself! People are responsible for the tjemselves and don’t need me to coddle them. At the end of the day I am the most important person in my life. I came into this world alone and will leave this world alone. I have my whole life as melanie Belley so why not treat her as best as possible?!

I was packing like a crazy banshee with the short time I had. I was stressing about what I would be forgetting. Then finally, I stopped  and I remembered what a dear friend said to me yesterday. “Just get there Melanie Don’t worry about the rest.” So I did it. I just let go to the need to be perfect. Phew. That’s a first. Feels good.

It took me until this moment to realize that my whole life has always been a huge responsibility. While everyone is always off doing whatever they please; I’m always taking care of what needs to be done or taking care of other people. Never having any fun. So what about me? Why do I not give myself permission to have fun?. When was the last time I had fun?. I’ve basically been a grandmother since the age of 5. Always mature. Always responsible. Always taking care of and caring about others and being Mama Mel.  Always doing the right thing. Always doing what’s expected of me and needed of me. Always doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. At the expense of MY time, energy, heart, happiness and inner peace. And guess what?!  I am sick and tired or if!

Don’t get me wrong, these things definitely served me a purpose; for I would not have become the Melanie I am today but, now it’s time to make my own choices and prioritize myself and let others do the same.

I love me, so why am I neglecting me? My Business can wait. I’ve been pounding out the work for a year now. It’s time to take a breather. Within a month of each other my business opens and it’s our wedding day. Next thing you know we will have a couple kids. The next portion of my life will never be the same. I am making a commitment to be a wife. To be a Mom. To be a business owner. To own a yoga and wellness centre. The pressure to walk the talk of wellness everyday with eyes always on me. The next portion of my life is a massive bundle of responsibility and anchors (but yes, good ones, that I asked for.)

So let’s do something crazy before that all happens. The calm before the storm if you will.

So in this moment, What do I know about myself?

1 – I think fast. When I make up my mind, it’s made up.

2 – When im terrified of something, I do it anyway!

3 – I fly by the seat of my pants.

4 – I don’t believe in rules. I make my own.

5 – I was a lot more scared than I thought I would be.

6 – My life is an incredible journey of lessons.

7 – I can do anything. Be anyone. I will always succeed.

8- I am proud as hell of who I am and how I got here.

9 – life is beautiful and very very short.

10- it’s up to me to write one hell of a life story, because I only get this one as Melanie Belley and I pray I get the gift of being her for another 50-60 years.

For the first time in my life Im feeling emotions I’ve never experienced before. A big whirlwind of a million ones put together. Fear, excitement, sadness, anxiety, giddyness. The fact that I don’t have to cook or clean or plan or answer phone calls makes me feels so overwhelmingly peaceful.

I jumped into a giant sea of the unknown.

I mean. I already did that a year ago when I quit my job at the law firm and incorporated my business.

I already did that when I met Gage in Mexico and quit my job in red deer to moved to Sherwood park where he lived.

I already did that when I went on the computer and clicked a mouse and applied for college to something random. No thought behind it. My intuition just said go to red deer. So off I went. Same thing with my yoga training, reiki training and bodytalk training. I made a quick choice and held myself to it.

I already did that when I called the breeder and said I don’t want dogs but Gage does. He only wants one, but get me two. When can I pick them up?

See…. I’ve always been crazy. And it serves me so perfectly and beautifully. It’s brave.

As I looked out the plane window everything was so tiny. Everything is in perspective. You see the big picture. You can see all of edmonton and it seems easy when you are looking from above. Everything looks toy sized as if you could pick it up and physically maneuver it yourself. So why can’t we apply this to life? Why can’t we just grab life by the balls and go get what we want. Why can’t we re-arrange the things we don’t like about our lives? It’s so simple but we complicate it so much. We limit ourselves and keep ourselves trapped in a cage. Live everyday as it were your last. Look fear in the eyes and do it anyways.

See. Here’s the point. You don’t know until you try. Intuition is a funny thing. A thing that never steers you wrong. I could have “what if’d” everything. But if I did, I wouldn’t be sitting on a plane right now headed towards a spiritual journey in the sun. Heck, I wouldn’t have done half the things in my life to date.

So tonight here I am, Laying in bed in the jungle in a treehouse, listening to the frogs and watching the palm trees move in the wind. This doesn’t feel real. There is so much magic here. I feel like I am in between heaven and earth. I feel so alive and so peaceful and so deeply connected to myself and the universe.

Tomorrow and everyday is kundalini yoga and meditation classes, hiking, reading books, eating vegetarian meals that are cooked for me, attending healing circles, meeting like minded, conscious, spiritual people who are all healing and adventuring and journalling my life away. For the first time in my life I feel like I landed on the right planet. Everyone here is just like me!

So here I am on yet another expansive discovery of myself on my spiritual journey.

Today I am liberated.

Today I am doing what’s best for me.