So yesterday I did something crazy. Perhaps insane.
Intuition was unapologetic when it guided me to the computer where I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and booked myself a one way ticket to Hawaii with all my airline points to sleep in a treehouse in a remote area… in the jungle. For 3 whole weeks. Who would I be going with? Just me myself and I. When would I depart??? 19 hours. Not 19 days or 19 weeks.
16.5 hours total of travel! 30 mins to the airport. 4 flights. 3 airport trains. 45 min shuttle to the resort.
My god what did I just do?
At this point, I’ve never been on a plane anywhere alone. I don’t know what the hell im doing. I don’t know how to travel.
I shook up my entire life as I new it, in under 10 minutes.
My mind was running a million miles a minute.
My birthday is in 3 days. I’ll be alone on my birthday.
Who am I to do this? Who am I not to do this?
I’m crazy. This is crazy.
What will everyone think? Who cares what everyone thinks!
What about my responsibilities? What about the dogs? Will Gage be ok? What will gage eat if I don’t cook? What about my business emails and voicemails? I need to clean the house and do laundry and make sure the fridge has groceries first. But wait. Actually. Screw it. No I don’t have to do any of those things. I choose to do them. Those are choices. For once I choose to be irresponsible and Stop caring more about other people than I care about myself! And the end of the day I am the most important person in my life. I came into this world alone and will leave this world alone. I have my whole life as melanie Belley so why not treat her as best as possible?!
I was packing like a crazy banshee with the short time I had. I was stressing about what I would be forgetting. Then finally, I stopped and I remembered what a dear friend said to me yesterday. “Just get there Melanie Don’t worry about the rest.”
So I did it. I just let go to the need to be perfect.
It took me until this moment to realize that my whole life has always been a huge responsibility. While everyone is always off doing whatever they please; I’m always taking care of what needs to be done. Never having any fun. So what about me? Why do I not give myself permission to have fun?. When was the last time I had fun?. I’ve basically been a grandmother since the age of 5. Always mature. Always responsible. Always taking care of and caring about others and being Mama Mel. Always doing the right thing. Always doing what’s expected of me and needed of me. Always doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. And guess what?! I am sick and tired or if!
Don’t get me wrong, these things definitely served me a purpose; for I would not have become the Melanie I am today but, now it’s time to make my own choices.
I love me, so why am I neglecting me? My Business can wait. I’ve been pounding out the work for a year now. It’s time to take a breather. Within a month of each other my business opens and it’s our wedding day. Next thing you know we will have a couple kids. The next portion of my life will never be the same. I am making a commitment to be a wife. To be a Mom. To be a business owner. To own a yoga and wellness centre. To walk the talk of wellness everyday with eyes always on me. The next portion of my life is a massive bundle of responsibility and anchors (but yes, good ones, that I asked for.)
So let’s do something crazy before that all happens.
The calm before the storm if you will.
So in this moment, What do I know about myself?
1 – I think fast. When I make up my mind, it’s made up.
2 – When im terrified of something, I do it anyway!
3 – I fly by the seat of my pants.
4 – I don’t believe in rules.
5 – I was a lot more scared than I thought I would be.
6 – My life is an incredible journey of lessons.
7 – I can do anything. Be anyone. I will always succeed.
8- I am proud as hell of who I am and how I got here.
9 – life is beautiful and very very short.
10- it’s up to me to write one hell of a life story, because I only get this one as Melanie Belley and I pray I get the gift of being her for another 50-60 years.
For the first time in my life Im feeling emotions I’ve never experienced before. A big whirwind of a million ones put together. Fear, excitement, sadness, anxiety, giddyness. The fact that I don’t have to cook or clean or plan or answer phone calls makes me feels so overwhelmingly peaceful. But, I’ll miss gage and the dogs so much.
I jumped into a giant sea of the unknown.
I mean. I already did that a year ago when I quit my job at the law firm and incorporated my business.
I already did that when I met Gage in Mexico and quit my job in red deer to moved to Sherwood park where he lived.
I already did that when I went on the computer and clicked a mouse and applied for college to something random. No thought behind it. My intuition just said go to red deer. So off I went. Same thing with my yoga training, reiki training and bodytalk training. I made a quick choice and held myself to it.
I already did that when I called the breeder and said I don’t want dogs but Gage does. He only wants one, but get me two. When can I pick them up?
See. I’ve always been crazy. It’s a good thing I found someone who loves me in every moment and let’s me be exactly who I am. And never questions the craziness or chaos. Just straight up supports with nonjudgment.
As I looked out the plane window everything was so tiny. Everything is in perspective. You see the big picture. You can see all of edmonton and it seems easy when you are looking from above. Everything looks toy sized as if you could pick it up and physically maneuver it yourself. So why can’t we apply this to life? Why can’t we just grab life by the balls and go get what we want. It’s so simple but we complicate it so much. Live everyday as it were your last. Look fear in the eyes and do it anyways.
See. Here’s the point. You don’t know until you try. Intuition is a funny thing. A thing that never steers you wrong. I could have “what if’d” everything. But if I did, I wouldn’t be sitting on a plane right now headed towards a spiritual journey in the sun. Heck, I wouldn’t have done half the things in my life to date.
So tonight here I am, Laying in bed in the jungle in a treehouse, listening to the frogs and watching the palm trees move in the wind. This doesn’t feel real. I miss gage and my puppies.
Tomorrow and everyday is yoga and meditation classes, hiking, reading books, eating vegetarian meals that are cooked for me, attending healing circles, meeting like minded people and journalling my life away.
So here I am on yet another spiritual journey.
Today I chose to go within.