I often think about this. A lot of work goes in energetically in terms of divine intervention; in order to weave in the necessary series of souls that are supposed to come in and out of the winding road of your life. Whether their role was good, bad, or a bit of both…there should be so much gratitude and eternal love for their position once held in your life, for it helped mould you into this person you are today. Every player is no coincidence and has a great deal of significance. Your lovers, your enemies, your family, friends, strangers, coworkers, neighbors and even animals. Sometimes it’s the “random” person in your store with whom you exchanged deep words of wisdom, that somehow completely altered the course of events in one or both of your lives. Or perhaps it’s at your appointment with the chiropractor where you exchanged necessary information learned on your path that was the missing piece to the puzzle they’ve been waiting for. You happened to come at what may seem the “perfect coincidence” for them but in reality it’s been divinely orchestrated because you both were ready and in alignment within the web that keeps us all interconnected. Even if their role was really short lived, they still had an important impact and you’ll never be the same. Their essence became part of your essence. They are forever a part of you and your integration. Sometimes you cross a path with a person one day who gives you all of the answers, wisdom, support or nurturing that you need. They may give you some type of key to something you’ve been incessantly searching for. Do not dismiss those who play a short or minor role. Sometimes it’s years later that a meeting makes sense. Strangers too, if you are open, can change your life. There have been perfect strangers who owed me nothing in my life who have taken me in, rescued, supported, lifted me up, gave me a break or have given me the biggest gifts of my life and who have forever changed my existence… just for showing up on their door step. I also had a school teacher I owe everything to who saved my entire young adult life and continues to be an integral part of my life. On the other hand, sometimes in life people can appear to be your enemies. But they are not. This is merely an illusion. They are your best teachers, triggering core wounds that are deeply embedded within you that are crying out to be resolved through your outer circumstances and through the actions of others. Hopefully you learned from the experience and took the wisdom forward into new relationships. Deciding not to fill your heart with the darkness of unforgiveness and hatred. Rather, Instead as time passes, learning to love them for the lessons they imbue. For the clarity they gave you. So let me repeat that there are billions of people in the world. But somehow those few amounts of people ended up in YOUR reality. On your path….Why?Covid may have completely rewired your life story and put you into a completely different, but beautiful reality with a better version of yourself, with many new characters in your life “movie” (Which has absolutely been my case). I live in a new town/environment, my business model has shifted entirely, I went from 28 staff I loved to pieces down to 5, since everyone’s lives shifted. I have vibrated completely out of alignment with relationships that I was more than ready to let go of but also some that I once held onto for dear life and loved with all my heart. It happened because I let go of control. Because I followed my heart instead of my brain. I surrendered to my souls path and to my highest good, my highest timeline and I have faith and trust in every single unfolding moment. I stay in love with the mystery and magic of what God (universe, source, whatever you want to call it) is up to and orchestrating in my life. There are no Coincidences to the players in your game. So it always makes me think. What are the chances that out of a billion people, these are the people who are still playing a role in my life right now, despite everything. What are they here to teach me, support or serve in my life (good or bad) and vice Versa in the interim? Although nothing feels real or normal and the illusions of used to be or could have been have floated away on a cloud that I will never see again…what’s left over is fresh eyes, an open heart and a new beginning. Rich and fertile soil full of nutrients from everything that just burned and crumbled away ready to plant new seeds to create a whole new reality for myself. The one I always knew I deserved and was more than capable of but I had to let go of what held me back. The one where I don’t settle for anything less than beauty and purely loving experiences. The one where I completely and utterly show up as myself.What a beautiful thing it can be to completely rewrite your story from the beginning again.Re-writing it with no fear whatsoever and nothing to lose. So I ask you, what do you choose to write in this co-creation with the universe?
Oh cool. This makes so much sense. 🙄 We can’t run our businesses that most of us poured our blood, sweat and tears into. We’re going into thousands of dollars into debt by the week. Far too many have lost their businesses already.
People are sick. People’s surgeries are cancelled. Healthcare workers are burnt the heck out. Jobs are lost. People are losing their homes. Bankruptcy, homelessness, divorce, depression, and suicide is at an all time high. People are not eating. We can’t see our families. Can’t visit your dying loved ones or have your wedding or attend a funeral or visit your new born niece/nephew or terminally-ill family in the hospital. We can’t keep up our positive mental health or wellness practices because can’t go to the gym or yoga/meditation or let your kid play their sports. Kids are beyond confused and traumatized. Parents are holding on a by a thread. You can’t go for a massage after you’ve been in a car accident BUT everyone’s allowed to go shopping at WEM in a sess pool of strangers instead and touch a billion things and rub up against each other 👌🏻
It’s solved now, but last week made no sense when you could still go to a bar or a casino and destroy your physical and mental health. Glad we finally realized how ridiculous that was and how unfair to the wellness industry and the population in general. Why are we prioritizing unnecessary and damaging activities and banning healthy ones when our people need these tools now more than EVER. Why does the darkness continue to be promoted?
Sorry but who the F is in charge around here? Nothing makes sense. Let’s get our priorities straight. Why are we sacrificing for no reason? What is everything so contradicting?
If we are trying to “limit” the spread of a virus I ask how on earth is THIS helping? Why is nothing logical? Why are unnecessary businesses open? And why are wellness practices closed? We’re all just sitting around closed for no reason because I can guarantee the cases after Christmas will be astronomical and we will get put into a full on lockdown anyway.
We already lost the world as we knew it, every sense of normalcy and our life savings. Christmas is cancelled so tell me why the heck do we need to shop for gifts? The best gift of all instead of presents would be to get this **** over with, we should have just done a strict lockdown properly in the first place 7 months AGO then we could have all moved on with our lives and rebuilt a better world together.
The only other gift that we need instead of presents and consumerism IS TO BE KIND TO EACHOTHER because that seems to have gone completely out the window because now we are just all at war. Disturbingly, with EACH OTHER. It makes me sick. The hatred, self-righteousness, and meanness is appalling. We are all struggling in some way and reality check: WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER YALL. Look up Compassion in the dictionary. The only way we will beat this darkness is to stick together, to love one another, to practice empathy, to live from our hearts and stand TOGETHER.
While you are at it, look up fairness in the dictionary too. Because that doesn’t exist apparently.
Health care professionals and businesses everywhere, parents, workers, those waiting for surgeries all over are “sacrificing” meanwhile everyone is bored from lock down and no work and so they are hanging out at the shopping malls buying gifts instead.
You can’t see me but I am going to go bang my head against the wall while the rich get richer and mental health and livelihoods of our people continue to be destroyed.
Our rights and lives have been taken away apparently for no reason and we all roll over just to turn around and get a slap in the freaking face.
Walmart, Amazon, Costco wins
We made it HOME.
Our 2 week vacation mostly went well and up until the last few days, we remained rather unalarmed about being in a different country during this coronavirus outbreak.
This week we could really feel the collective consciousness of DEEP FEAR in our bellies and in our minds. It’s ominous. It feels almost like we are going to war and I find myself visualizing often what that was like for those who lived during those time periods and how they recovered. A scary and surreal time indeed.
We are all traumatized for each other at this time in our life. It’s still hard to believe it’s real.
Even though all of this was going on around us we decided to enjoy our time in the sun as much as possible without feeding too much into the fear that was rampant on social media.
Instead of losing our minds; we self soothed with the ocean, the sunsets, the animals and with affection and laughter.
I’ll admit, a few times our minds allowed fear and ego to creep in and we thought “what if we lose our businesses and our home? What if we go bankrupt over this? what if we get sick? what if we get trapped here? What if there’s no food left and TP when we get home? What if our loved ones experience any of that too?”
But then we would snap each other out of it. I reminded myself that we have a home and loved ones to return to. That my dogs are safe and sound with Mom and Dean. That I have Hope, who’s my manager of the studio and is a freaking rockstar and I have a beautiful LOVING team of GOOD hearted people that I love so god damn much and good friends and family to lean on.
The thing is that there isn’t much we can control in a time like this other than proper hygiene, social distancing and quarantine. We can also control our thoughts, emotions and actions individually and together.
Completely giving into fear never gets you anywhere, it only paralyzes you. It takes all logic out of the equation. It lowers your vibration and puts your mind and your immune system in jeopardy. It eats your life and your body from the inside out.
When I felt fearful, my mantra over and over again in my head was “I am safe, I am healthy, I am guided, I am protected, everything is working out.”
I kept visualizing surrounding myself in white light. I kept enveloping the globe in white light.
I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more: to my guides, to my ancestors, to Shirley, to the angels, to god, to whoever the heck is out there for guidance on the next steps to take and for the BEST possible outcome. I shed a few tears about what will happen to my business and I put all of my fears in the hands of all the unseen forces in our life.
When I felt fearful, I reminded myself that Gage and I have been through some extremely turbulent and traumatizing times over the years and many others through our life span and in the end we lived and all was WELL in the end even when it seemed like there was no end in sight. In fact, we learned how to live better and be better people. We grew less emotionally reactive, stronger, wiser, and found an unwavering faith that everything will always be OKAY. It’s a chance to grow, change and adapt. It’s a chance to realize who you are truly meant to be and what you truly want out of the rest of the years of your life here on earth. It’s a chance to fix what’s not working. To re-think about what foods you consume and how you can learn to grow your own so that you will never be without. It’s a chance to deepen our connection with our loved ones and with our people planet as a whole. It’s a chance to deepen your connection with yourself. To get silent and still. To be vulnerable. To share your voice.
3 years ago Gage and I were so completely different people, very fear driven, and had a major lack of faith and trust in life. So we focused on the opportunity to both see how we were handling everything on a personal level and within our marriage as a team. We knew that we didn’t have enough clear information to panic just yet and we decided to stay centered in love and joy instead and keep our spirits high.
When I was afraid I remembered there are people worse off. I sent love to the elderly, the sick, the pregnant, the poor, the fearful, the trapped, the people who’s trips and weddings are cancelled, the ones with bad health care systems and the people who cannot attend funerals of those they love.
I feel especially grateful to the medical teams and government and travel officials and the workers on the line who are scrambling and working on overdrive to figure out solutions for the country in an unknown situation that we never saw coming.
Most of all, I reminded myself that we are all in this together as an entire planet. And that more than ever it’s a time for us to shine our light. To embrace fully the most high vibrational parts of ourselves. To seek peace through meditation and to give love and compassion from our hearts to one another more than ever. All we can do is be here for each other and grow TOGETHER rather than stay in this global consciousness of illusion, selfishness and separation. We are ALL ONE. ONE tribe. ONE love. I think this might be the first time that people will finally come to understand that. After all, it might be your neighbor or a stranger who saves you by selflessly dropping groceries, money, or medicine on your door step.
By Saturday our friends and families all started to get nervous and were telling us to come home… All from a loving place, I understand that it must be scary to have your loved ones in another country during this time.
I continued to check in with my higher self and prayed as much as I could for the next best steps to take: I kept getting the same message “just wait”. So I waited.
My amazing cousins Nat and Scott kept us informed with great information the whole time and helped talk us through our options. They even FaceTimed us and tried to help us book new tickets from their computer at home. (I could still cry thinking about how supported I felt from that) I’m not gonna lie when I heard that borders may close we did start to get nervous. We panicked for a couple hours and they called us in perfect timing.
We did start to worry because we waited on hold for almost two days straight to get a hold of our airline… when we tried to make modifications online; it wouldn’t let us. Our thought was what if it doesn’t ever go through?
When I meditated I still got the same answer “just wait and you will know when is the right time to take action”
I went to bed last night and prayed hard for the answer about what to do; if we should try and get home early or wait until our scheduled flights to go home as planned on the 18th. I woke up from a nightmare (or horror film) about the Airbnb we were at and the people who own it and in the dream it just got so unbearable that we got pissed off told them they were nuts so we cancelled everything and went to the airport. The dream was so vivid and real. I took this as the sign I was praying for … that today was the day to get up and get OUT of there.
A bit of a backstory here: We were a bit mislead upon booking our last Airbnb (3 nights) and basically instead of it being a suite in a home it ended up as us sharing a whole house with an older couple who lives there. The house was nice and it had a nice pool and hot tub and private beach and while we had our own room and bathroom but the whole thing felt rather uncomfortable. I’m even quite sure they went in our room when we left for the day. We both grew up in households with super clean and organized parents so we are used to that, but these people were on a whole other level. Everytime you moved they analyzed what you were doing and constantly were trying to micromanage our plans and thoughts and the way we did things (including how to fill my glass with water and ice) from their fridge. If you left a crumb or a cup or anything god forbid. The whole thing was just weird. I found myself people pleasing just to keep myself safe, which is not an old habit I enjoy reverting back to. It’s hard to put in words the weirdness of the experience but we just wanted to get away.
That night before we were expressing we were afraid and they went off on a rant and they kept trying to control the whole situation and told us we were crazy for wanting to go home early and were lecturing us. It was uncomfortable and we just simply wanted to go home. Easy to say for them when they are in their own home in their own country.
Our biggest concern was the threats of the border closing and also that YEG airport is supposed to be closing on the 18th (which was our initial return date) we felt a bit helpless. We couldn’t get a hold of the airline for the last 2 days! We were on hold legit the whole time trying to get home early but the calls are so high you can’t get through at all! Couldn’t cancel or make changes online either.
So here’s what happened: I woke up this morning 1000% percent without a doubt we needed to go. We knew we couldn’t get a hold of the airlines after trying so we said screw it, let’s just go to the airport and see what they can escalate. We packed our shit FAST and fled the scene. We tried to do so as quietly as possible and were whispering to each other because we were terrified of what would happen when the owners woke up… What they’d say and do and we didn’t want to deal with it. It was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had.
We got to the airport and at first they said couldn’t help us at the airport and said “oh you have to call your airline”! I told them I’d been on hold for days and then I asked for the supervisor and they did and somehow we pulled it all off!! They said if you are ready we can take you right now. We said let’s go!
When we landed in Seattle (which is major area of infection) … we were freaking a bit because of that but also because we only had 15 mins to get to our next plane to Edmonton!! So stressful but we ran fast and made it and somehow we ended up on first class. Phew. Score. We are home now in our own beds with our doggies, giving them so much love and belly rubs.
And we’re still not sure how the heck we worked that out and got home.
All I know is that I picked the right person to share my life with and to be quarantined with for 14 days 😂
The future is not exactly clear. I don’t have the answers to anything really. But I will just hold faith for us all. That it will work out for all of us. We will all figure it out and we will all be okay.
Let the tears roll. It’s normal to feel scared and sad. You need to feel these emotions, not trap them in. If you are someone who hasn’t allowed yourself this for years, please know there is nothing wrong with you when it starts to come out and it feels SO heavy and like it will never end. It’s years worth of grief.
Be gentle on yourselves.
Put your worries on paper or pray about them.
Find the positives in the negatives.
Find mantras or affirmations or songs that soothe you.
Meditate. Do yoga.
If you have been putting out more than you’ve been putting in. Take the rest you may have never taken.
STOP updating yourself with fear articles every 2 Minutes. Take a break from social media.
I love you guys.
I’m here for you, whatever you need.
We’re in this together.
Here I am in Hawaii once again, heart full with happiness.
Hawaii is the only place I ever truly feel at “HOME”, particularly on the big island. She is rooted ever so deeply In my heart and my being. She is so sacred.
I am deeply nourished by her water, earth, wind and fire.
I bathe in her essence, the aloha spirit.
I spend my days taking in her magical elements: walking barefoot, listening to the sounds of the birds, frogs and waters. I take into my eyes the stunning flowers and into my nose their sweet fragrance. I feel graced by the animals. I swim in her cleansing healing waters and I nourish myself with all of the life force filled fruits and vegetables I can lay my hands on.
I am feeling alive, restored and loved by the mana of our Mama 🌸
I’ve been diligently practicing and studying ancestral healing for many years now, but have immersed at a deeper level as of late through 1) trauma therapy 2) meditation 3) Ho’oponopono (radical forgiveness) and more.
I’ve been healing at rapid speed through the process of clearing emotional and energetic patterns and outdated beliefs and fears from my lineage that were not resolved and lived on in my DNA.
When we don’t clear these, they are the energies that can create imbalances, obstacles, and act as roadblocks on our pathway to our true authentic power, joy and infinite potential. Particular blocks I have been working on have been the ones preventing me from transforming and fully carrying out my soul’s mission and life’s purpose.
It’s been both an emotional and enlightening journey. I can feel my ancestors presence in my life now more than ever. I can’t imagine how I ever walked around all these years prior without this connection… it was as if I were a tree with no roots.
I spent a few days camping with my mom, tracing lines and sorting where my inherited beliefs, blessings and burdens have come from and how they have been passed down the line. My grandmother and great grandmother have been my focus lately and have been guiding me through my work. It’s much easier to find compassion for yourself and your family when you can link patterns all the way back. A good question to begin with is what traits did I inherit from my parents? What were their struggles in childhood?. Then ask your parents the same questions about their parents and what they know of their childhood. From here you can start to link.
We honor our ancestors by listening deeply to the thoughts and memories that live within our body that are similar to those that our mother/father lived out, as well as our grandmothers/grandfathers and so forth.
I’ve been so connected with my grandmother, Irene who is no longer in the physical. I want to tell you about an experience I had. The other night I sat up in my bed as couldn’t sleep, I found myself scrolling through pinterest to pass the time. As I did, I noticed some pictures of Peonies from the corner of my eye. I had stopped and stared, and thought/felt “WOW” while I sat enthralled with their beauty. Memories began to flood in and I was immediately transported to all the moments I spent visiting my memere. I would stand at the side of her house, stick my nose in the fluffy, colorful peonies and would breathe in their pleasing fragrance for hours.
The human part of me started started to feel sad for myself that stores don’t sell the cut flowers. “I have all sorts of flowers in my garden”, I thought, “but not the beloved peonies I had promised myself a long time ago”. As I continued to scroll I saw a graphic of 11:11 “your loved ones are watching over you”. I thought this was interesting because while I see the numbers 11:11 on a daily basis, my knowledge of the several meanings that the numbers bring, did not include that it could be someone who has passed. I smiled and I immediately wrapped my love for peonies and my grandmother in my heart and dozed off to sleep. Flowers and plants have always been my greatest love, a love which I got from my mother and grandmother and the love I share with other members of my family and likely the all of women before me.
The next morning I went straight to safeway to get some groceries. I unloaded my things onto the lady’s till but a thought popped clear in my mind of something I forgot. I ran to grab it. But for some reason stopped DEAD in my tracks, looked at my phone and it was 11:11 and immediately felt my memere’s presence. I looked to my left and low and behold my treasured PEONIES appeared beside me, for sale, stacked in buckets of water. For the love of god. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Spirit never seizes to amaze me. I laughed and thanked my grandmother and tried not to cry. I took some for home and some for the studio. I brought this presence with me into the rest of my day, knowing that as always I am protected, guided and loved by so many even if they are not physically standing in front of me. They are always there. The more I have worked on healing myself the more clear they come through. Their energy is not lost, it simply has changed form. Her soul is very much alive and is a vital force in my life and she is helping me to work through my healing.
This isn’t her first time showing herself through flowers… Back in 2017 we were at our wedding venue doing a tasting and preparations. My mom and I were wishing my grandmother could be there. As we exited the building this lady comes flying out of nowhere, stops and puts her face in mine and says “here! have some roses!” and then immediately vanished. We were dumbfounded, but we knew right then and there it was my grandmothers gift to us to show us she was indeed there. She just used someone else as a vessel for this message.
The signs are always there, but sometimes we are just not paying attention or sometimes we discount these signs and “coincidence”.
A week later, I had a reading with a medium and she says “your grandmother is here, I said which one? She said “she tells me she was very religious, she loved god and really loved flowers, especially roses. She says she always speaks to you by giving you flowers and in fact says gave you some flowers last week.”
Listen. Be open. Don’t doubt what you get.
Be in love with the mystery of what are they up to and conjuring for your life.
Be open to the love that exists through you and around you always.
I wasn’t going to share what I wrote about someone dear to me because I already posted it to my yoga studios blog (Buddha Belly Yoga and Wellness) and in our newsletter but not everyone follows it. I have spoken to many people in the last 2 days who seem to be struggling with something similar and maybe my outlook can help a person or two.
Kat is moving back to India in July.
It was only a matter of time before our Kitty Kat would get the travel bug again… There is just no holding down this travelling soul. Her heart was calling her back.
Writing this is particularly hard for me… I will admit I’ve cried a lot. It’s been a mixture of tears knowing I am losing her physical presence but also tears of joy for her new beginning as well as my own (I’ve had many of those this year). I am so sad to see her go as she has really been such an important part to our Buddha Belly Team. Kat has been teaching, doing workshops, assisting with managing the studio and holding up the front desk. Most importantly she has been like a sister to me. She is unconditionally loving, strong, loyal, smart, silly, conscious, self-aware, grounded, caring, trustworthy, understanding, reliable, creative and talented. I have so much gratitude for all she has done for me and I have so much love in my heart for her. I don’t know what I would have done without her this past year. It was truly an honor to have her be part of my life and our studio, if only for a while.
Let me tell you that Kat came right at a time that I needed her the most. Yes, owning a studio is fulfilling, beautiful and humbling but it is also one of the hardest roads I have had ever had to walk in my life. There is so much that goes on inside of it all that no one sees. Throughout this time, Kat always had my back. She has held space for me, stepped into places where there was need, and picked me up so many times when I was down. <3 Kat has also befriended many of you around the studio and I know that her presence and yoga classes will be very missed. So please soak her up while you can and please be sure to give her lots of hugs and encouragement as this change is also very hard for her because her of love for the studio and all of us staff and students who are part of it.
I truly honor her for listening to the strong calling that she has had to get back to India…We all have a “soul home” and India is hers. Kat says she plans to come back to us … so lets cross our fingers and hope that she does. If she doesn’t however, we will need to trust that this is what’s best for Kat’s life and bless her journey. I know its not goodbye, just farewell!
Having the studio has taught me to honor and accept departures with total ease and grace. I trust in the choices and journey of those who are leaving, and I trust in Divine that the new space that’s been created in the intricate web of life will always be filled with exactly what we need in the right divine timing.
Shauna Behiel taught me a long time ago that people come into your life for: 1) a reason 2) a season 3) a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. This viewpoint has been incredibly helpful for me over the last few years.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. — Unknown
To the students and staff: It’s times like this that I realized how blessed I am to know so many beautiful souls, no matter for how long. Students and staff always come and go but they stay in my heart forever. There was a time in my life when I felt like an alien lost from my planet. What I didn’t know, was that my soul was needing my tribe. The studio has been the missing piece to my puzzle. There is no longer something missing from my heart because my heart is all of you who are part of our community. Its the little things… the smiles, the caring, the hugs, the laughs, the love, the support, the wisdom, the rawness, the realness, the conscious conversations. From my heart to yours, you mean so much to me and I LOVE YOU ALL. This studio would not be possible without the customers who so graciously keep us running and the staff who make it what it is <3 I would be so lost without you.
XOXO MEL // Buddha Belly Yoga and Wellness Inc.
Yesterday we laid our angel down to rest and said our final goodbye.
I first met her when I was nine and my mom, little brother and I moved to Edmonton after fleeing a bad situation. We moved into a neighborhood near the stadium where we gained her as a neighbor. We bonded immediately when she threw us some carrots and potatoes over the fence from her garden. She was a retired nurse and lived with her husband Oreste. She always had a menthol cigarette in her mouth, was always talking on the phone and her tv was on extra loud ALL day long. Her best friend was her bird, Birdie. She loved Jesus and had pictures of him everywhere in her house along with a door stopper holding open every door in the form of a pig or dog which now holds opens the doors of my mom, brother and I.
She was strong, overly independent, never asked for help and she was as resilient as concrete. Somehow, she balanced that part well with her gentleness and kind spirit.
Shirley was a very memorable character. So much so, that I don’t think people always believed the stories I told about her most of the time.
Shirley Marchese was many things, but of most all she was the most caring & thoughtful person I’ve ever met in my life.
Week after week as if she’d forget, she’d call mom and make sure she remembered to watch the voice or American Idol at 9:00pm and cue you in on what channel to turn to. 4 hours later you were lucky if you’d get a word in edgewise but upon hanging up she’d sweetly say “angels on your pillow”.
She would always ask you whether or not you ate lunch, if you have been eating enough meat or getting enough iron. A simple yes never sufficed, she wanted to know what exactly you ate.
She always talked at my little brother in awe of how handsome he was, instead of having a real conversation.She was always trying to convince him to join the military and didn’t understand why on earth he didn’t want to do that.
She never wanted to talk about herself but always cared about how your job was going, got overly concerned with your hair color and split ends, and asked too much how your romantic life was doing. Her most favorite remark to no avail was “so when are you going to get pregnant and have a baby?” and every time like a broken record I would say “when I’m ready”. And she then she would reply with “there is no right time to have a baby and making the baby is the fun part don’t ya know?” and from there she would traumatize you with her expert sex tips.
Shirley loved her Avon. She would find a piece of jewelry in her Avon catalog that she thought you might like and give it to you on a monthly basis until eventually your jewelry box would be overflowing.
Shirley was always watching and guiding us all and was the neighborhood Mom to quite literally everyone.
She was always making sure people had food.
She taught the neighborhood people about gardening. “Potatoes like sand” and always shared her extra veggies and pickled goods. Her beets were the best and spaghetti was delish, her secret ingredient was cinnamon.
If a neighborhood adult needed money or cigarettes I remember she would be the first to offer them a job around the yard and if they didn’t have a car she would drive them to get their groceries.
Shirley had an extraordinary video collection, therefore was the neighborhood video rental store and of course, she always made sure you’d sign it out and that it would find its way back to its bunk within 3-4 days.
She always wanted to be updated on all the neighbors lives. She told people what to do and got all up in their grillz. One time she walked straight into our house, asked where Mom was and we pointed to the bath. She marched right in there, flopped down the toilet seat and welcomed herself to a nice little chit chat. My mom, was wide eyed as to be expected… and Shirley said “oh be quiet, I was a nurse… as if I’ve never seen a damn boob before? Come on!” And proceeded with her chat.
See, you can’t help but love her.
We didn’t have grandparents around so when my brother and I were out of school for the summer she claimed herself as Grandma. Because she thought people needed to eat 24/7, she stuffed us full with cake, arrowroot cookies and ginger ale. She took us for happy meals at McDonalds with what little pension money she had and would bring me to Zellers at Kingsway and dress me. She always was concerned about having nice hands and nails so I got lucky when she often took me on girls dates and got matching manicures.
She had confidence much larger than one would expect and even if she was looking like hell towards the end of her battle, you could tell her that she was beautiful, she would really believe you and happily accept your compliment and absorb it as if she were a Queen ❤
Even though she was old, she truly had the most impressive & sharpest memory of ANYONE I’ve ever known and could clearly recount stories long forgotten by me, from our childhood.
She’s been living at Norwood Capital care for the last two years. She broke her arm, broke her hip, got her leg amputated, and got breast cancer in such a short amount of time. But she never complained and was always positive about bad situations and lectured you to do the same.
She was great until November when had a scare, she stopped breathing in her sleep for 30 minutes and was in the ICU for a few days.
With her stubbornness, in December she recovered, but she was definitely showing signs of being ready to depart. She starting seeing things and spoke about her deceased husband and daughter as if the time line had reversed to when they were both alive 15 some years ago. She truly believed they were alive. I believe she was communicating with their spirit to prepare herself to go. I appreciated the warning to start saying goodbyes.
At this time, she said she’d been having real weird near death experiences, floating around and it seemed similar dying but more of a premonition of what was to come. I wanted to hear more so she explained and was shocked we believed her (but I’ve been fascinated and studying this subject for years). She said she was in and out. “Wondering like is this right now or do I have to wait another year or so?” She said “it’s like a slow moving night train. You don’t know when it will arrive to pick you up for good but you know it’s coming”.
When asked how she felt about that she said: “I am ready to go. I believe in God & the Angels and I know I am going to heaven but I don’t want to die quite yet because there’s lots I haven’t done. I’ve got lots of loose ends left ya know? I have people to say goodbye to people that I haven’t yet, but I don’t think I have time for all of them. Just remember when I die that I want you to be happy so don’t cry for me Argentina. I don’t want you to be sad, but If you cry that’s your business because I know you’re going to miss me so much. I hope your going to emanate some of the things I like and you will say, “it’s just like Aunty Shirley”. And also I hope whatever I’ve done and said has made a difference in your lives. Oh and wait, there’s something else I was hoping to do before I go…I’d also still like rob a bank and live high the hog for a while and eat lots of steak and lobster! Oh and for my funeral I would like to be buried in a cadillac.
Leave it up to her to be funny when talking about something so somber. She always had a way of making you laugh your ass off at the most unexpected comments that you’d never expect out of the mouth of an 82 year old. Besides her faith, there was nothing traditional about her. She did swear but also said “swearing too much is bad.I can only take a small diet of swear words”.
She was SO incredibly funny, witty, and sharp tongued. She was overly honest about whatever was on her mind, she said it how it was and totally was inappropriate all the time. And that’s what I admired the most.
If you asked her what’s new? She’d reply with: “what’s new? New York! New Jersey!”
She mentioned back in November as if she had a chance, of course I have a crush on Dr. Morsey – he’s like a Persian cat with the most beautiful eyes, but I hear he’s married so I guess I’ll be nice and won’t go after him! I laughed and said you’re funny and she said “I know. I trained as comedian for years and I just think now I’m about to make it”
Instead of straight up asking for something she would say “I sure am craving some double butter caramel popcorn from Kernels.” “I sure wouldn’t mind some veggies & ranch” and “I sure have a hankering for chocolate”. I happily obliged to her hints and continued to even when she was an ass. One time I brought her a pie and she said “that pie was no good”. Shirley had no filter. She was old and she didn’t give a shit if you didn’t like her ways. Instead of being insulted she always made me laugh my ass off. This woman was 100% herself, and I accepted her 100% for who she was and loved her unconditionally even though she had a way of pushing people away.
She always had a tough life, she grew up in an orphanage and was raised by nuns. She outlived both of her husbands and 1 daughter. She had no family around. Her niece came once that I know of and her son never bothered.
I could tell her anything of my struggles and she would just listen and give great advice. I always felt safe with her because she understood my tendencies and I saw my own self inside of her. I understood 100% why she was the way she was, the way she pushed people away and was uncomfortable with vulnerability and it helped me to understand those hard parts of myself. Spending a lot of time with her over the last two years helped us help each other.
She was tired of her battle towards the end and was looking forward to being free again and getting out of the bed for good.
With both our strong belief in the afterlife and that our loved ones are always with us, I asked her what sign she would give me that she was around. She told me, oh you know… I’ll surprise you and scare the crap out of you…. You’ll know its me.
When I told her I would cry when she was gone she said “Well what the hell you wanna cry for me for? You’ll miss what it was. Once I become a puff of smoke you won’t remember me. We say we will remember people when they’re gone but we don’t.”
I promised her that would never happen.
This comment bothered me so much that here I am today sitting here, writing about her to people who were strangers to her because the sad thing is, there were under 15 people at her funeral and they were all from our neighborhood growing up. There was not an ounce of family to be found. There was not even an obituary for her in the paper. It breaks my heart that not many people got to love her or be loved by her. So here I sit trying to spread her memory so that it can be carried on because that’s what she would want. That’s what she deserves. As long as one or two people got to know her today by reading this or she made a person laugh today, I’ve done what I set out to do.
She sure made a difference in my life and it was my pleasure to know her. I’m not looking for sorries or condolences because I am not sorry. She is happy and peaceful now. And I was privileged to be part of her life.
She would want to tell everyone not to take life so damn seriously and learn to laugh a little.
May Rest In Peace you crazy, beautiful and wonderful woman.
As a child you could not hide your secrets from me. Some adults were open, nurturing and receptive to me and some forced me to stay quiet, close my throat chakra and not allow me to be who I was or express any opinion or emotion. I always had the gift and innate ability to see struggles and where people were stuck and what they needed to change. I knew with 100% accuracy if they were lying or telling the truth, if they were authentic, if they were a good or bad person (came from the light or darkness), what needed to be healed inside them and if their emotions were matching their body language – but given my innocence it was not very often that people would listen to advice coming from a child who (at their level of awareness and perception) – had no life experience.
Fast forward and here I am stomping on all of that, allowing myself to re-emerge from the dust, knowing that this is part of my purpose. It is clear that since I opened the yoga studio, my abilities have grown exponentially. Through the course of 14 months, this meant becoming hyper aware of what is going on with all of our brothers and sisters of the planet. You start to see patterns. You start to realize that you hold the torch to end some of the suffering of others and you would be doing a disservice if you did not share the messages you receive.
The full moon is here… Libra season begins and hello equinox. There is perfect contrast right now with equal light + equal darkness which equals = balance.
This balance may take some getting used to. There is a lot of tension running side by side with motivation which means you are contrasted many times throughout the day. This can be a little strange at first as you experience many polar opposites within only 24 short hours at a time. Examples of polarities that may be coming up for you are: sick/healthy, fear/safety, sorrow/joy, wealth/poverty, failure/success etc. You may experience one theme or several at once and it can be dramatic and confusing when facing two ends of a spectrum in one day. Be gentle with yourself during this time of integration.
You may think shit is hitting the fan for you, but it’s really an illusion. Behind the scenes, it’s actually falling together. But first, it is asking you to go where you’ve never really been in order to create a beautiful new chapter for your life. You have to put in the physical effort. You have to work on yourself and stay positive. Don’t give up.
Here are some things that are coming up as a collective that we must look at:
Healing your buried emotions:
Energy is really increased right now and there are a lot of symptoms arising. This means our emotions are running at an all time high. We are being called into the depths of our murkiest emotions that we weren’t even aware were there. You might find yourself crying more this week than you have all year. Whatever you are holding onto, the universe is forcing you to let go of it. Note that: feelings buried alive never die. This should be motivation enough. Crying is healthy on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level. To help sort through what’s happening, put your thoughts and feelings to words by journaling. Sit in your shit. It is uncomfortable and scary, but you need to dive into the nasty memories and emotions that come up. Face the beasts and let them teach you where to go. If you can be brave and vulnerable and sit through this pain right now, know you will be rewarded because once you face the painful things, they can no longer hold control over you anymore and you become free as they are released once and for all. If you don’t deal with it, best case scenario = you will only be perpetuating a pain cycle where these unresolved emotions will continue to play out in your life and create more of what you don’t want. Worst case scenario = emotions like anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, sadness, resentment, jealousy, depression, and stress can manifest within the body and contribute to imbalance and disease such as cancer. So LET IT ALL GO. Let yourself be vulnerable and cry like a big old baby. When you cry, not only do you feel relief, but each tear lets go of so much of the pain, sadness, hurt and trauma from the past that you have been holding in your heart for years. This allows you to heal because it cleanses your energy and releases whatever is weighing you down. Your future is determined by your willingness to let go. Until you let go, there’s no space to write the next chapter of your life.
Past memories and old habits and cycles are bubbling to the surface:
You may have also noticed old patterns that have been coming up. You are growing out of an old phase in your life, so the old comfortable stuff that doesn’t fit who you are becoming is starting to come up so that you can start to look at it in a new light and see it for what it is and let it go. When looking at the past, old grudges, unfinished business, unforgiveness and your own doubts and insecurities from your childhood will start to bubble up to the surface. Let them. Write letters to those who wronged you and burn them. See you parents for who they were: humans that were doing the best they could with the awareness they had. Look back in time and try to deconstruct what they were taught by their life, society and their parents and why they behaved like they did. In this process, It’s easier to see the wounds that cause people to act as they do. Soften your hard edges and find forgiveness where there was resentment before. Forgiveness is liberating. Elevate, heal, clear. Stop being afraid to move on. Close that chapter of hurt and never re-read it again. Move on from the things that don’t deserve you.
Your old ways of being are only creating pain for yourself. When we chose to hold on instead of letting go, we just continue with same sabotaging cycles. It is all an illusion that stems from fear. You need to look at it like you have several pairs of sunglasses and the ones you have been wearing were worn, dark and smudgey. So can you put on the new clear lenses with less hurt and start to look out into the world with a new, different and better lense?
Relationships are ending:
This can be friendships, romantic relationships, business relationships or family ties – they may end naturally or by way of a fight – but DON’T PANIC. These are blessings in disguise. Let them leave. The dynamics/energy/vibrations of the people and relationships that are ending, no longer fit who you are or who you are becoming.This means you are growing and growing only hurts temporarily.
There are 3 reasons people come into our lives:
1. For a reason;
2. For a season; and
3. For a lifetime.
So stop forcing or resisting and surrender. Come to terms with where these people fit on this scale. When we start to change and grow, we naturally repel others who are not on the same vibrational level as us or we ourselves will start to feel that old friends and activities no longer serve who we are. Stop lowering your standards to fit in because you are not meant to fit in. You aren’t going to appeal to everyone and that’s okay. Don’t shrink and play small to make others feel comfortable. Honor yourself. Why would you want to be someone you are not? Your uniqueness is what makes you special. The truth is that you might just repel them and they will leave your life. But the great news is that this creates new energetic space for better and new people to enter into your life who are a better vibrational match. When these people arrive you will know why it never worked out with the others. The harmony will be completely evident. You will have more in common. There will be more respect.These people will feel good. Relationships will be easy joyful, comfortable and easy to trust. So, do find people who like you for exactly who you are, who inspire you and who encourage you to keep on growing. Your mantra right now should be “out with the old and in with new”.
Boundaries are how you allow people to speak to you, the things they demand from you physically & emotionally, your energy field and physically space around you. You’ve probably been put into situations the past few weeks where someone has crossed the line and you’ve needed to stand up for yourself; speak your voice where you might not have had the courage to in the past; or create some physical boundaries for yourself. This can be uncomfortable. But this is happening to show you your weak spots so that you can identify what needs improvement. You can start to set up healthy boundaries in your life. Act on the opportunities and get used to speaking out. Boundaries are a form of self care and when boundaries are placed with love, firmness and kindness, it allows your to stand true in your power. This is you loving yourself.
Some people won’t like this new you. People who need to be in control, or have a lack of respect and or no boundaries themselves may put up a fuss. Often times they aren’t even aware of their actions and they are not intentionally trying to upset you, so accept them for who they are and that their behavior is their own issue. However, if people don’t like when you use the word “no” or when you’ve put up healthy and loving boundaries for yourself, then you shouldn’t be surrounding yourself with them anyway. Say no with conviction.
“Lovingly let go of your people pleasing tendencies, pleasing others in the hope of them loving you in return is not true to you or them; be true to you. Love yourself unconditionally and you will attract people who love and respect you for the amazing person you are.” Lee Horbachewski
What do you believe about yourself?
When reflecting on the past it is normal for you to notice belief systems that were operating in your brain computer system that you weren’t even aware were there.
There are many lies we believe that others say or we have let ourselves feel and believe. So who or what made you believe you weren’t beautiful? that your body wasn’t the right shape? that you are a worthless person? a terrible person? not smart enough? not good enough? not loveable? that you don’t deserve happiness? that true love doesn’t exist? that you need to suffer in poverty? that you’re stupid? that no one cares? that no one likes you? everyone abandons you? that life is mean? that you’re a laughing stock? That you’ll never make ends meet?
Don’t be so hard on yourself. No body is perfect and that’s what makes us all beautifully unique. You are not your past, you are not what you are born into, you are not your body, you are not your baggage.
It’s important to find the root of these belief systems, where they originated and with whom. Unfortunately, when you were young, you did not have the luxury of making your own beliefs so many of your early beliefs are second hand information which was passed on to you. See how you have been playing these beliefs out into your adulthood and continuing to attract the same circumstances and people that re-affirm those old beliefs to you… this comes out a lot in the form of ”I knew that would happen”. Well, if you believe there are no good men/women left it the world, then your life will continue to reflect that.
Ask yourself, are your beliefs helping and supporting you to achieve your goals, become the best you and create the life that you want? Or are they limiting, outdated and unhelpful. Realize that maybe they served you back then but now it’s time to let them go. Focus on re-inventing yourself and create newer healthier beliefs. This will give you the opportunity to rewrite your story so that you stop playing that old record in the background all the time.
Change your negative beliefs around and use positive questions instead: “What if I succeed? What if I can help others? What if I can be or have anything I ever wanted?”
It’s time to make a change:
If shit is hitting the fan for you, know that this is the universe’s favorite way of pushing us. Life is forcing you to change whether you like it or not. Chances are you’ve probably seen this coming to some degree. The universe probably warned you many times but you didn’t believe in yourself, you didn’t make changes, were too naive or disorganized, did not slow down enough to listen to the signs and signals nor did you follow up with enough action. When we procrastinate or don’t live up to our highest potential because of fear – the universe blows up what I like to call “a giant volcano in your face”. Why? Because we wouldn’t listen otherwise. The reality is that we only start to make things happen for ourselves when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change. It is usually only when were forced that we finally decide to take the plunge and jump off the edge. Without the universe being mean sometimes, we would procrastinate for years before really listening to the guidance and stepping full force into action and start living our highest calling. You will only thrive if you make steps towards real and lasting change. There is going to be a lot to do, so just remember balance.
Your life purpose :
It’s asking you to go where you’ve never been. What would it take for you to not be afraid to go after your best self and best life? Most of us bargain with the universe and say things to ourselves like “I will do it once I have the money. I will do it when my kids are grown up. I will do it once I lose the weight.” NEWS FLASH: The universe does not respond to bargaining because bargaining is a form of control. By putting conditions on something you are telling the universe or god that you do not trust their divine order and that you do not trust yourself. The reality is there is never a right time. The time is now. The irony is that the universe/god won’t reward us for what we’ve been trying to manifest until we surrender and do things their way. It knows the way. You can’t ask for the universe/god/divine/spirit/angels for things you want and then when you don’t like the way it’s being orchestrated you put up a hissy fit and don’t listen to the guidance. Trust that they know what’s best. Trust that everything is in divine order always. If you they brought you to it, they will bring you through it. You are never given more than you can handle. You are in the right place, right time, right circumstances for your growth.
When things are not the way you want them to be. Start to participate in their own unfolding. Cultivate what you want. Know that you deserve it and the universe will serve it! Surrender being “realistic” and practice that the sky’s the limit when trying to go after what you want.
Be free to be who you truly are:
You came here with something to do. You were on a mission before birth but for some reason you got lost in the earthly ways of fear and ego tendencies. Remember your true essence and carry out your mission. Have you been being your authentic self? Is the real you in there somewhere trying to emerge and you are absolutely terrified of it? It’s time to show who you are to others. We all have a gift and an ability. By not honoring it we are not respecting ourselves. We are also doing a disservice to the planet. Think about this for perspective: if people like Oprah, Mother Theresa and Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Tony Robbins, Steve Jobs, (or any of your favorite leaders, artists or inventors) woke up every morning thinking to themselves “I am afraid what people think, I don’t know if I can do it, who am I to _____, I don’t know if I am worthy” then they would not be successful nor in the public eye and WE would not be blessed by their offerings. They would be doing a complete freaking disservice to the world by not shining their light and being exactly who they are. So the lesson here is be who you are regardless of what others may think. Help who you are meant to help and nevermind the opinion of the rest. They are not you and they do not need to understand. It is your life, not theirs. Follow your bliss.
Reveal yourself to you and to others. Ask “how can I be of assistance to as many people as I can”. Once you start to move in the direction you think will make you happy, you will become much more in alignment and it is there that you will find your inner peace. BE BRAVE. Release all of those thoughts about being unworthy.
Get in touch with your higher self.
You are the only one who knows the answers and solutions to the problems you are facing. You have all of the tools that you need to get through this within yourself. You just need to believe in yourself and trust yourself. The trouble is, we are so disconnected because of the daily grind. SO, they key is… to slow down and go within. Connect with your crown chakra. Your higher self. Connect with god, Buddha or your angels or ancestors, whatever it is you believe in and feels good in your heart. The stronger this connection gets and the more you encounter this presence, the more you will learn that you don’t need the answers right away and the connection and presence is always there available to you and is all that you’ll ever need. You just need to tap in.
Here are some things you can do:
- Put your hands on your heart, close your eyes and breathe;
- Put on a guided healing meditation;
- Put on some healing music or mantras;
- Call in your angels, guides, ancestors, god – or whoever it is you believe in and say “thank you for this healing”. You will find the peace wash over you. Sit in it as long as you can;
- Recite or listen to affirmations – (internet and youtube has lots);
- Start writing;
- Do some self reiki if you are practitioner;
- Get reiki or acupuncture;
- Get your ass to yoga.
You may have noticed that you are sleeping more often and having a hard time waking up. This is normal. Your brain is on overdrive trying to process what you want for your future and your soul is busy making plans and re-mapping. So take the time to make this process quicker and easier by getting into bed and do nothing. Pull the covers over your head. If this means calling in sick, then do that. Find several hours for yourself (or days if you can) to do absolutely nothing. Nourish yourself. Once you start to illuminate your true path and everything becomes more clear, you will find that don’t need as much sleep and you’ll notice the opposite where now you actually have a lot more energy to accomplish your goals and a you have a brighter outlook on life.
If the last couple months and especially last couple of weeks have been tough for you and your sign, you can now breathe a sigh of relief.
This one has been about focusing on your internal work so that you can start to reflect something newer and better on the external.
Maybe now you realize that you can control the way you respond to everything that is happening around you, always and knowing that’s where your hidden power lies.
You probably learned some tough lessons but notice how it has affected your life for the better. You likely have learned what is important and what is not. Maybe now you have more of an appreciation for your home, your loved ones, your career. Maybe you are more organized. Maybe you’ve learned drama can only survive if you feed into it. Maybe you’ve learned the magical word “NO”. Maybe you got a better handle on where your finances are going. Maybe your marriage has been strengthened because of it. Maybe your faith has been strengthened because of it. Maybe you let go of some bad belief systems that were no longer serving you.
It’s time to leave the past behind you and end the cycle of pain and suffering. Leave your old ways behind you because they aren’t working anymore don’t you see? They don’t give you the good life you deserve. Sometimes the only way for us to know that we’re ready to move forward in life is to realize that we’re not the same person we once were.
Integrate it into this new “level” of yourself where you can now make better choices and stay more positive. Off you go, on to the next chapter and the next half of the year.
Good job everyone, you survived, just like you always do 🙂 <3
My meditations this week have revealed the entirety of the journey I have embarked on since July of last year. What a story that has unfolded over the last 12 months. I’m trying to comprehend how a day is measured in 24 hour increments, but yet the time seems to be faster moving than ever. With all of these new experiences, time feels to be speeding up in 5D. It’s pretty mind boggling to see how all the pieces fit together throughout one short year into this big puzzle that I call my life.
I blinked and BAM. A year later —> a business, a broken arm and a wedding later. I was a hamster on a wheel, headed for everywhere and never stopping for any air.
The universe was not gentle with me this past year. I didn’t know where to go or how to get there with my dream and the only thing that was guaranteed was that I would reach new levels, whether I liked it or not. When I felt like I was walking up a giant mountain, I had to put one foot in front of the other … day after day … until one day: I would reach the top. But throughout that journey, just like the roots of the trees in the forest, they would trip me and I would fall down. And every time I had a choice to stay down or get back up. I chose to be strong because I have always needed to be strong ever since I took my first breath on this planet. I am not ready to get into this part of who I am, and am still working on my vulnerability, but I know it is my strength that has been a beautiful shield that has protected me on my journey and my faith has been my only foot to stand on.
I am strong because for 28 years, I have been riding on a roller coaster driving through some unthinkable storms in my life. Some storms took years to get through and some took only weeks or months but I have come to know that I always escape out of a storm, on the other side where the sun is shining with proof each time that once again … I survived. Each time thereafter, breathing a sigh of relief and just trusting that the storm changed who I was yet again. My skin would get thicker and my relationship with and trust in myself would get much stronger. I had no choice but to trust that each time these storms would bridge the path to consciousness. Instead of choosing to see my life as “being dealt a bad hand” I’ve always known that there was a higher power somewhere out there, just preparing me for the journey ahead by giving me the tools I needed one day to build something great. There was seldom any ease or grace but I wouldn’t have learnt any of those tough lessons if life were always kind.
In the midst of all the painful moments and life changing lessons I had to learn along the way, painful ones and beautiful ones; I have grown as a person, as a leader and as a soul. The depths of who I am have changed for the better, inside and out.
Starting this business meant my life was going to change in every way possible. This meant changing & re-arranging & revolutionizing my life.
This meant shedding people from my life, old patterns, old belief systems, ways of thinking and doing.
This meant broadening my perspective and stepping into the depths of the unknown by charging into uncharted territory.
This meant change, change and more change.
The funny thing about humans is that we resist change far too much. People are terrified of change. But if you think about all the uncomfortable changes in your life, you’ll realize that with these changes came shifts that always brought something newer and better, and even if you feel it didn’t – you learned some very valuable lessons, tools, strength and life experience.
Change is something as a collective we need to get used to. The only thing that is guaranteed in life is change. Change is the law of life.
So what changes? Technology changes, nature changes, your age changes, your bodies change, situations change, relationships change and fads change. When people finally get sick of their own bullshit, they change. Even your underwear changes (I hope). If things didn’t change we would all still be sitting on yellow, green and orange couches from the 70’s and I for one am glad we aren’t. If things didn’t change I would not have rights or a voice and I most definitely would not be an independent woman running a business.
As for people, they change too, they come and go, just like seasons. You have to appreciate them as the season that they are, and when it’s time for them to exit, gracefully accept and wave goodbye. You do not plot to find ways to force summer to stay when fall starts to near because there is nothing you can do about this change. You simply do not engage. You just surrender to what’s in the plan. This means that you should not change your beliefs nor beg anyone to stay. If they are meant to be, they will never leave. Do not force. Do not contort to please them. Just allow them to fade away. You should not dwell on their past position held in your life because this void space always gets filled with someone better suited for your journey. So like always, this boils down to choices. If we are constantly meeting change with resistance, we are only further addicting ourselves to pain and suffering and continuing on with a bad cycle that never gets us anywhere better.
More often than not, change becomes necessary and stares you right in the face until you listen. If you don’t listen, a volcano will explode in every direction. When life failed to hold meaning for me anymore, I stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and instead I lit it myself. Last year what I was seeking was what I had been searching for my whole life: a place where I belonged. I was looking for a community of like minded conscious people and this is what I found. It turns out that “Seek and you shall find” really holds true.
Let me tell you, this wasn’t a walk in the park. In the beginning of my business there were people who doubted me, then there were ones who were outright unsupportive. Then were the strangers who rolled their eyes at the fact that a 27 year old, nonetheless a woman, thought she could accomplish this great task. Add planning a wedding on top of this and it was like trying to run a marathon with a pocket full of rocks. It was unnecessarily difficult when it should not have been. It was an awful feeling and I had to drown a lot of noise but with each brick they threw at me, I used it to build a beautiful structure. With each layer I would reach a new level where I would be one step closer to living my truth, my dharma.
In this time, I have been taken advantage of more times that I like to admit. I have had to keep my eyes in my own lane when others judged the decisions I knew were necessary to make for the highest good of everyone involved. I’ve had to sacrifice and risk everything I own. I’ve had to let my guard down and learn to trust. I’ve had to learn to take a stand where necessary. I’ve had to remind myself to never apologize for being picky of who I allow on our team – hell would have to freeze over before I allow someone onto our team who does not understand my vision, our community or is not loving, caring, self-aware or kind. And this evidence is there, every single day when you walk through that door.
In the early days, I had get past the hurt and disappointment of being alone to accomplish my goals every single day, because naturally, when I needed people the most – they were nowhere to be found. I was exhausted always but I had to keep my eyes open, smile and stand up tall day after day, from sunrise to sunset knowing that eventually one day, I would get 8 hours of sleep. And when I felt the world was against me and there was no one to save me, I had to turn into my own sanctuary inside of myself and just breathe – because that was the only thing I knew how to do. There were many days where I struggled to find my lantern when the only thing I could see was the darkness. But the truth at the end of the day still remains this: I wouldn’t trade this life for any other.
In one year I experienced massive amounts of change everyday. My life was on fast forward. I worked everyday, all day and all through the night. The only time I went home was to get a bit of sleep. I didn’t see the inside of a grocery store for a year which meant the only time I ate, was take out. I failed to take a breather and see or feel the sunshine that summer. And sadly, I worked right up until 15 minutes before walking down the aisle on my wedding day. I was late for my own wedding. But here is a news flash: it was all self-inflicted. I got lost in the busy-ness of always trying to finish a task or accomplish the next thing. But I look back knowing that these were all choices. Some of which I can say “next time I will know better”. Part of this ridiculousness that I imposed on myself was excitement of wanting to spend all my time in a place that I had been dreaming up and manifesting for years — and the other part of it was this strange belief that there was never enough time and an even stranger belief that when I was doing my best, it still wasn’t good enough. And that’s when I learned of my lurking unconscious belief that “I was never good enough”. The last 365 days I have been trying to destruct this unreasonable belief that I picked up from life. This something I’d like to delve into further, hoping I can help others with in the future, but that’s another story for another day.
The studio has been a sacred journey of stepping into my power and finally being able to let my soul out of the closet after the imprisonment of hiding the depths of my true-self since the beginning of time. Layer after layer, the butterfly would merge from the cocoon. The more layers I shed, eventually I would come to find that the new people who walked through my door every day would understand and support me. The truth is, I am no longer alone. I am graced with the presence of unique and wonderful humans. They are the ones who make it possible for me to wake up everyday and focus on spreading my passions. I think I can speak for everyone where I can say we get to experience love and kindness and endless support. Our community is beyond blessed to have each other. My heart is full. Today I am overwhelmingly surrounded by the most beautiful heart centered people who are part of our Buddha Belly family – the students and every single one of our staff who make it such a special place to be. Each one adds to all of the bits that are weaved together into this intricate and beautiful web of oneness.
I get to meet good, beautiful, inspirational people. As much as I teach them, I also learn from them and I also learn about myself. I get front stage as a witness of the ups and downs of everyday life and how resilient, courageous and kind humanity can be. I am forever astounded at how well they adapt in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, and copious amounts of stress. Everyday I watch people breakdown, people get lost and people get found. I watch people breakthrough, people transform. I watch people love each other, confide in each other, people laugh and people cry. I watch people rescue animals and people rescue children and people rescue themselves. I meet people who want to attempt their own life because sometimes the weight of the world is just too much. I have watched people go through cancer, get a divorce/breakup, lose a job, lose a child and have some pretty big medical scares with their children. I have come to learn how many humans suffer from severe PTSD, depression and anxiety. It reminds us of how little we know about the struggles of others. It hurts me to see the pain of so many people who internalize it all. Some days these things break my heart and some days they remind me to be grateful for the simple things. These people make me a better person. These people inspire me every day, always. I am especially inspired on the days when they are walking in with positivity and a smile on their face despite it all. We are all experiencing different hardships, and somewhere out there is a person, who just doesn’t show it on the outside. We all just want to love and be loved. To be part of something. To be supported. To be healthy, to be safe, to accepted and to be secure. And that all comes from the same space of oneness.
It’s not I AM it’s WE ARE. You are them and they are you. We all have this light, that sometimes goes out and sometimes this light gets blown out by another human being. But when we become an instrument of peace and work together instead to build each other up, we can the shine light on each others road ahead, where eventually we find our way back to the truth. I know today that we are all just humans, doing the best we can, with the awareness that we have and all that we can do is bring more love into everything, everyone and every situation, in hopes for making this world a better place.
Alone we can accomplish something, but together we can accomplish anything.